Bridget Everett Wants to Meet You Under the Mistletoe at the Bell House

This week in Cheap Laughs, we have big titties, clamps for your titties, professionally exposed titties, vegan/queer titties, cynical black titties, and titties covered in marinara sauce. Even for us, that’s…a lot of titties. Here’s our rundown of the best in independently produced New York comedy this week.

Wednesday, December 10:

Meet Me Under the Misteltoe
The Bell House, Doors 8 p.m. / Show 8.30 p.m. $20

If you haven’t seen a Bridget Everett live performance yet, it’s time for that phase of your life to be over. Everett, Amy Schumer’s close cohort, is unclassifiable. Is she a comic? A cabaret act? A performance artist with insane harlequin tendencies? We would answer, “Yes, all three.” She’s getting so successful, this is the lowest ticket price you’ll pay to see her for a while (her shows at Joe’s Pub are typically high dollar and sell out rapidly). Take the opportunity. And if her presence wasn’t enough, she’ll be joined by Janeane Garofalo, Todd Barry, and puckish master of ceremonies Dave Hill.

Friday, December 12:

Awkward Sex and the City
The Pleasure Chest, 9 p.m. $12 (here, with 15 percent off all adult toy/materials purchased).

The Pleasure Chest is an iconic spot in the history of New York’s adult toy business. It was the first sex store to take vibrator sales out of squalid Times Square backrooms and into the friendly, shame-free boutiques we now take for granted. The Chest is midway through its big holiday push (FYI, it’s running a sale on s&m-wear called “Seasons Beatings”). What better to get folks in the door than a storytelling show themed around awkward sexual encounters? Comedian and author of Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy Ophira Eisenberg is the marquee attraction. Plus, entry gets you 15 percent off any purchase at the store. Dil-don’t miss it.

…And I Am Not Lying
UCB East, 11.59 p.m. $5

Ex-porn star Alia Janine clearly enjoys getting fucked by the entertainment business, because she left adult films to become…a comedian. The emotional pain of both pursuits is similar, but at least in stand-up, no one ejaculates in your face unless you ask. The host of the Scatterbrains podcast joins Jeff Simmermon’s late night variety cavalcade this evening, alongside absurdist genius Nick Vatterott and burlesque performances from Tiger Bay and Jonny Porkpie.

Saturday, December 13:

Julio Torres: Space Prince
Ars Nova, 8 p.m. $16

Julio Torres is a Comedy Central “Comic to Watch” and one of Bushwick’s foremost vegan/queer darlings. The El Salvador native presents an evening of stand-up comedy, videos, and sketches this evening at avant-garde hub Ars Nova. The show is self-deprecatingly billed as “The Retrospective Nobody Asked For.” What should you expect? Well, while some artists like to explore themes of “otherness,” Torres prefers investigating the concept of “Tilda Swinton-ness.” He’s brilliantly hilarious, and despite his earnest art-star pose, takes nothing seriously.

Sunday, December 14:

Blaria Live!
Littlefield, Doors 7.30 p.m. / Show 8 p.m. $10

“Blaria” is a portmanteau word, combining “black” (as in, African American) and “Daria” (as in, the popular ’90s MTV cartoon show about an acerbic white girl). Hosted by Blaria blog creator Phoebe Robinson and Daily Show star Jessica Williams, it’s a show for anyone — black or white — who digs slightly cynical shit. Tonight, next big things Gary Gulman and Sasheer Zamata (crushing it on SNL these days) are the star attractions, with many other funny people on the undercard.

Mike Recine’s Sunday Sauce
The Stand, 9 p.m. $10

Mike Recine is a South Jersey-born comedian who makes two things: viciously pointed jokes, and marinara sauce. The gourmand/performer makes the sauce at home, filling it with all the love and hope that is totally absent from his brutal stage act. Tonight, he hosts a night of his favorites at The Stand, and will give away a complimentary jar of red sauce with every ticket. Come for the gravy, stay for the jokes of Adrienne Iapalucci, Chris Distefano, Matteo Lane, and many more.

Tuesday, December 16:

Dan St. Germain’s Christmas Spooktacular
Union Hall, Doors 7.30 p.m. / Show 8 p.m. $10

If you’re looking for a “can’t fail good time” comedy experience tonight and don’t want to leave Park Slope, you found it. West Virginia-raised Jared Logan is many folks’ favorite comic in town, his righteous fury sounding even funnier when filtered through a deceptive “he seems harmless” stage presence. Jacqueline Novak‘s album Quality Notions is brilliant, and she might do parts of it tonight. Dan St. Germain has assembled them and other funny people for you, and shall host the show. Thank him. He loves meeting new people.

The Ted Alexandro Show
Q.E.D., 8 p.m. $5

Ted Alexandro is toweringly funny and also one of New York comedy’s pillars of righteousness. Universally respected, only he could have led a 2007 comedian’s coalition that effectively threatened strike action in order to win a pay rate increase at New York’s premier stand-up clubs. He achieved that with little acrimony in a world famous for hair-trigger tempers and easily bruised egos: an impressive feat. Recently, he’s also been one of the clearest voices in city artists’ response to the Garner tragedy. This makes him seem “heavy.” He’s the exact opposite. Nothing pleases him more than mocking classical-radio DJs and Harry Potter (although to pay him his due, he did write one of the best gay-marriage jokes of all time — see above). Catch him tonight for a bargain price at Q.E.D., Astoria’s new hotspot for comedy, storytelling, and fun.