People (particularly the ones who don’t live here) like to carp about New York being the loneliest place in the world, despite its being packed by millions. While there may be a tiny shred of truth to this, any New Yorker worth his or her salt knows that everybody is terrible. People, it turns out, generally tend to be the worst.
Some New Yorkers have decided to take matters into their own hands and create life-sized replicas of people — famous ones, at that! — without all of the annoying things that typically make them suck. Specifically, they’re statues of dead celebrities that are unable to walk, talk, or be awful. But just like the real thing, eventually we tire of the human replicas in our lives. Thankfully, we don’t have to figure out how to awkwardly avoid them or push them away. Once we’re sick of them, we can just try to sell them. And right now, several New Yorkers are in the process of doing just that. Here are a few of them.
Michael Jackson, $59,000
Artist and diehard MJ fan Martin R handcrafted this breathtaking tribute to the King of Pop, which can now be yours for about as much as an entry-level luxury vehicle. This nearly six-foot-tall statue can be customized to play any message and will store and play 10,000 songs. According to this video of Martin/Michael, his headstone is “heavy and cold to the touch, just like a real one.” This statue already has a Facebook fan page with more than 13,000 likes, so you’d better act fast if you want to spend the rest of your days with a statue of a talented and charming accused child molester which is also capable of sounding Taylor Swift numbers of your choosing. Buy this on Craigslist and come to know a new sort of loneliness.
John and Jim Belushi, $480 each (or best offer)
If your usual cocaine buddies have gotten a little too judgmental (who really needs a septum, anyway?), these realistic statues might make the perfect new party crew. In the photos provided, a decidedly slimmer John is busy busting out a cool tune while his brother Jim handlessly stomps on a tiny and vaguely Satanic miniature bull (not included). Classic Belushi brothers shit. Buy one or both on Craigslist and go home to a coke-fueled rager every night. Or stare at the walls while you eat your microwave dinner and contemplate where things went wrong.
Laurel and Hardy statues, $3,000
In case one dysfunctional comedy duo isn’t enough for your dwelling, you can also snap up this strangely rendered pair. According to the seller, who purchased them from Skymall Universal Studios, these statues are “very rare.” Buy these and the Belushis for an interior style best described as “dismal Midwestern suburban comedy club on a Wednesday.”
Life-size Princess Diana Statue, $2,150 (or best offer)
Another entry in the posthumous-tribute category, this unfortunate memorial is made from a portable 1,600 pounds of Italian marble. With a dingy towel draped over her head and several ratty scarves cinched tightly around her neck, this lifelike Princess will radiate quiet dignity as the showpiece of your home. If living your life more like a candle in the wind is on your 2015 Vision Board, this is a can’t-miss purchase.
Five-foot Eyeball Sculpture, $75,000
Artist Vincent De Rosa crafted this human-sized replica of his own eye in 2002. Today it makes unflinching contact with anyone who enters his brother’s office kitchen (and probably makes employees think twice about absconding with his yogurt). For the bargain price of $75K, you can finally confirm that sensation that you’re always being watched.
Robot Girl Docking Station, $1,000
If Weird Science kickstarted your adolescent awakening, this 42-inch-tall robot may be the lady for you. With an iPod/iPhone dock nestled gently in her womb, she bobs her head in time to the music and blasts your eyeballs with a dazzling LED light show. It could also be the perfect way to listen to the seventh consecutive voicemail from your boss. While she’s listed on NY Craigslist, she appears to be located in Massachusetts. This video may convince you that it’s well worth the trip.