2015 has arrived, and while some people may see “Baby New Year” as the hopeful emblem of a fresh start, it’s kind of unsettling that we choose to symbolize the next 365 days with a helpless and hairless semi-formed human. Regardless of which camp you’re in, here are several disturbing baby-themed mementos that New Yorkers are hawking on the internet. Buy these now, because the only bundle of joy in your life shouldn’t be your latest Seamless order.
Nude Lady Holding “Alian” Baby Painting, $40
Look, any rational person knows that most significant historical events have been caused by extraterrestrials and subsequently covered up by good old Uncle Sam. It shouldn’t come as any surprise to you sheeple that the birth of Christ would be any different. If you’re interested in the truth, you might want to take a look at this painting showing what really happened. That’s right. Jesus was an “alian.” And one intrepid spirit had the bravery to document the facts (and subsequently sell it on Craigslist).
Screaming Baby Bottle, $125
If you’re the self-flagellating sort, you might want to invest in this antique bottle shaped like a miserable infant. Remind yourself with every swig that you’re a weak, whiny little baby (or that the fruit of your loins is driving you to drink). According to the seller, this would originally have been used to contain “medicine for a baby’s head,” but it would look great filled with your desperate tears or booze of choice. Either way, it’s a conversation piece well worth the cash.
Nude Lady With Baby Painting (yep, another one), $25
At first glance, this may just seem your run-of-the-mill abstract nude with unfortunate-looking baby superimposed over it. Well, think again. The seller, a renowned Mott Haven real estate professional who declined to be identified, received this painting as collateral on a loan from a woman who claimed to be a prominent artist. The seller later discovered that the woman was an experienced con artist who, with her accomplice, wove elaborate tales of her reputation in the NYC art community in order to bilk people out of their hard-earned cash. This stunning original painting (and possible piece of New York history) can be yours for just $25.
Baby Coffin Art, $280 or best offer
Brought to you by the seller of the previously featured life-size Diana and Belushi statues, this distressing baby is the perfect accent for any understated modern interior. A sallow-looking infant peers out from a porthole carved out of the four-foot-tall baby coffin, and both infant and vessel appear to have been festooned with Day-Glo safety apparel. What better way to reflect on the inevitable death of all of your dreams in 2015 than with this subtle objet d’art? At $280, it’s cheaper than an annual gym membership and about as much as one visit to a therapist.
Fetus in Mother Lucite Refrigerator Magnet, starting at $9.99
If you’re the kind of person who likes to make jokes about your “food baby” after a Chipotle run, this fridge magnet will serve as a chilling rebuke of your flippant remarks. This tasteful magnet would also make a lovely gift for your favorite pro-life pal. Starting at just $9.99, it’s certain to start a bidding war on eBay.
You’ve Got Foetus on your Breath, $18.95
Just one of many projects by New York–based Australian musician J.G. Thirlwell, this record is a seminal post-punk work in a discography that also includes releases under the names of Foetus Over Frisco, the Foetus All Nude Review, and Phillip and His Foetus Vibrations. Display it in proud commemoration of our nation’s tradition of serving and eating a local baby in a bed of black-eyed peas on January 1st.
2 “Elfs,” $75
The only thing more upsetting than baby art is elf baby art (or maybe the incorrect pluralization of “elf”). Per the seller, one is called “Rafin” and the other “Papa Elmar.” If you’re tired of your parents pestering you to procreate, sending out a birth announcement for “Papa Elmar” will definitely shut them up until at least 2016. For just $75 and a trip to Bensonhurst, you can have twins!