We’re in Existential Crisis season — that bleak miserable stretch between the holidays and the return of liveable weather — which drives many to drink heavily, diet aggressively, or, in some cases, find religion. As it turns out, you don’t have to go to church to be Saved — plenty of New Yorkers (and other internet vendors) will sell you a little religion for your filthy cash. Finally, your own personal Jesus.
Jesus Costume, $20
If you’re tired of your played-out Lumbersexual look, consider taking this brand-new Jesus costume for a test drive. New in the package, it comes with the wig, beard, and crown of thorns, though sadly not the sensible sport sandals or the YOLO expression. If our Lord and Savior could text, he’d be like: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ , and lo, it would be good. Buy it on Craigslist and give “going to see Jesus in Jersey” a wholesome new meaning.
Crossdressing Taz Angel, $35
Everyone’s favorite mid-Nineties regret tattoo just popped up on Craigslist dressed in a flowy maxi dress and biker jacket like he’s en route to Coachella. Ready to have your mind blown? When you think about it, this Warner Bros. tree topper is both angel and devil. Take a minute, it’s OK. This seller has “NO TIME FOR GAMES!” so only get in touch if you’re willing to fully commit to the kind of badass rebel lifestyle that this officially licensed gift will afford you.
Rock n Roll Jesus by Kid Rock, $5
Sometimes you find salvation where you least expect it. Sometimes it’s on your youth group trip to build houses in third-world countries (why are teens trusted to erect buildings???); sometimes, it’s when you’re rocking out to the celestial sounds of “Bawitdaba” as brought to you by Mr. Robert James Ritchie. It might be worth the $5 just to meet someone who purchased a Kid Rock album in 2007 and held onto it for almost a decade. This sweet Craigslist find is unsurprisingly located in Stuy Town.
Massive Vintage Jesus Sculpture, $1,285
At 44 pounds and about the height of a toddler, this massive weeping Christ seems like a terrible accident waiting to happen. Hand-hewn from a stump, he seems to be held erect by a single wavy lock and a questionably Mephistophelian bifurcated beard. Buy him on eBay, and pick him up in New Jersey to render that state a truly godless wasteland.
Angel and Lions Painting, $650
An original work by the same artist who brought you the Manifestation Painting, this 30″ x 36″ conversation piece features a strong-browed angel in a full support bra straddling a globe and flanked by two lions. In the words of the artist/seller, “this is a massive piece that would be especially great for children’s rooms.” Help ease your little ones into the wonders of illegal hallucinogens with a monstrous tribute to Gladys, the goddess of Burning Man, watching over them each night.
Ten Commandments Bible Game, $10 (also includes Bible Challenge)
According to reviewers on the website BoardGameGeek, who describe this as “tedious” and “endless,” the objective is to collect all Ten Commandments, teach them to the Philistine, and give all of your wheat away. Liven things up with a bonus Westboro round, in which you withhold your wheat and then picket the funeral of the Philistine’s children. If that’s not excitement enough for you, there’s also the Bible Challenge, which appears to basically be a nicely packaged set of flashcards from Sunday School. You’ll have to go all the way to New Haven to pick these up, but you’ll be set for Game Night for a while.
Vintage Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa Dolls, $650
Handmade by doll maker Lois Sims, this child-sized holy duo looks to be kicking back on the sofa for some Xbox and pizza. Buy this terrifying pair on eBay and keep them at the end of your bed so that you (or your significant other) never has to break eye contact. Isn’t it time to trade in your Real Doll for something a little more chaste?
Painting called Jesus Attempted to Cheer Up Paul McCartney With a Shari Lewis Lamb Chop Puppet, $257,000
If you’ve been looking to put your life savings to work in the art market, look no further than this gargantuan painting depicting a traditional biblical scene from the New Testament. Who knew that the Lamb of God was actually a sock on Shari Lewis’s hand? According to artist Kata Billups, “This scenario from my imagination shows Jesus visiting a clinically depressed Paul McCartney. He is sitting on Paul’s right side and slides a Lamb Chop Puppet in to Paul’s peripheral field of vision. Paul hasn’t bothered to get out of his robe. His white socks dangle off the ends of his toes. He is depressed and disheveled.” Snap it up on eBay and join the illustrious ranks of Billups collectors, including (per the artist) Willie Nelson, Jimmy Buffett, and Julia Roberts.