These days, it seems like you can’t open an app without getting slapped in the eyeballs by someone’s boner (artfully framed by a messy bedroom and a housecat or two). Prurient New Yorkers know that not all n00ds are created equal — and the selection of sexy goods they’re selling reflects the taste and refinement for which this great city is known. You can pretty much guarantee that at any given moment, some New Yorker is preparing to sell something involving the naked human form. Here are some of the best currently available.
Six-piece Collection of Erotic Sculptures, $400
While the tiny torsos with massive phalluses are probably the (family) jewels of this collection, the disembodied vulva and spread-eagled lady are also not to be missed. $400 seems like a real bargain for these tasteful bronze works — snap them up fast before a Saatchi gets his hands on them.
“Rachel” Resin Nude Sculpture, $53,000
Apparently, this striking Arthur Williams art piece was named not for the Friend who launched a thousand haircuts, but for Jacob’s second wife in the Old Testament (duh). This would pair nicely with the robot torso speakers and make for a highbrow alternative to a sex doll (probably easier to clean, too). Cash in your 401(k) for the enduring company of this cold plastic form and have a guaranteed companion for your cardboard box.
Naked Lady Ashtray, $15
If you’ve ever wanted to stub out your cigarette (or, as this ad offers, “whatever else cig shape you want to use”) on a nude lady’s bathing suit parts, you should probably be on a very different kind of website. But you can still score this sweet tribute to a very painful practice. Per the seller, our model looks to be “about a B cup” — Juggs subscribers may want to sit this one out — and “the carpet matches the curtains.” Vendors of Craigslist: always keeping things classy.
Male Nude With Neon Wang, $85
This is just one of a veritable treasure trove of male nudes available on the artist’s site, including several that prominently feature a ventriloquist’s dummy. This one appears to be a young Richard Ashcroft during his little-known stint in the Blue Man Group. Also not to be missed is the Sharpie rendering of a male nude with a massive ankh back tattoo. Looks like someone got around in the mid to late Nineties.
Sweet Heart Nude Playing Cards, $5
Poker night with the boys is guaranteed to be 100 times better when you and all of your bros are erect. Based on the model’s puffy blouse and super-sweet boob sling, this looks to be a relic of the late Eighties or early Nineties. For the same price as your daily Starbucks, you could add 54 neo-romantically clad women to your spank bank.
Sterling Silver Functional Penis Charm, $525
Every woman needs a few understated sterling pieces in her jewelry collection, and nothing says “I’m a lady” quite like a “moveable” dick nestled between one’s breasts. Flaccid, this detailed dong could almost be confused with some kind of abstract shape — but at full mast, there’s no mistaking this proud articulated shaft. If you’re more of a gold girl, this would also make a thoughtful gift for your Tinder-happy best pal.
Naked Lady Mugs, $15
If you just started a new job and are looking for ways to bond with your colleagues, look no further than these nude-lady mugs. Stroll into your meeting with a babe full of joe and finally earn the respect of your female boss — not to mention the admiration of Steve in Accounting. These are being sold on eBay, but the seller is Brooklyn-based, so you could probably just go pick them up before a boozy brunch.
Skeleton Sex Keychains, $1/each
Time to upgrade your ratty college lanyard for something that better captures your passions for death, sex, and going to the bathroom. When you’re unlocking your apartment, why wouldn’t you want to gaze at a tiny blonde having sex with human remains while perched on a toilet? These are just three of the seemingly endless (and in some cases physically impossible) positions available for just a buck apiece. At Maple Grocery and 99 cent store, 211 Montrose Avenue, Williamsburg.
Pinky Guest is the author of eBay Shop of Horrors and is obsessed with things that New Yorkers sell online. She spends hours perusing the shelves of Craigslist and eBay so you don’t have to. Read her Village Voice columns here.