A dimwitted fantasy designed for the types of nerds found on his hit CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory, Simon Helberg’s We’ll Never Have Paris details the efforts of hypochondriac dweeb Quinn (Helberg) to figure out which of his numerous sexual partners he’d most like to keep around.
Will it be longtime girlfriend Devon (Melanie Lynskey), who finds his made-up ailments and refusal to play piano in public endearing? Or how about co-worker Kelsey (Maggie Grace), the former model who unbelievably can’t resist his nebbish charm? Or maybe it’s just that random blonde who, upon seeing on their first date that Quinn is wanted by multiple women, immediately sleeps with him?
Co-directed by Helberg and his wife, Jocelyn Towne, this dreary indie imagines a magical universe where a grating narcissist like Quinn is not only a hot commodity, but able to repeatedly overcome his moronic relationship mistakes — which eventually lead him to Paris, to win Devon back — by begging and crying.
Throughout, Helberg’s awkward-anxious routine proves insufferable, and it’s made no more tolerable by supporting turns from Zachary Quinto, Alfred Molina, and Judith Light, who are given so little to do that their presence in this mess feels downright cruel to both them and us.