If you’re like a lot of curmudgeonly New Yorkers, your general attitude toward Valentine’s Day is a mixture of deep disdain for the commercial event and barely contained rage that all of the good restaurants are about to basically be closed on a Saturday night. If you’re one of the lucky ones who snapped up a blizzard sex friend and somehow managed to sustain things through the pseudo-holiday, you might be looking for a tchotchke that says “You’ll do.” Luckily, the Craigslist well runs deep, and if these gift suggestions are any indication, romance is definitely dead (and possibly taxidermied in someone’s apartment).
Two-Headed Calf, $4,500
Tell her “you complete me” in the most disturbing way possible with this two-headed taxidermied calf. According to the seller, the little guy died and was immediately flash-frozen and sent to the taxidermist. For the price, you could also buy her a Vespa, a fancy vacation, or a really gross house. But definitely go with the two-headed cow, women love adorable mutant animals.
Taxidermy Lion Couple, $150
Alpha couples, this one’s for you! “I wuv you” bears are for pussies — show your partner you care with this horrifying taxidermy-ish lion couple. Almost certainly made of subway rat or nutria, this alarming duo is ready to steal your heart (maybe also your soul).
Used Rollerblades, $25
Wheel your way into his heart wearing nothing but these well-worn Nineties fitness staples. These offer a quirky take on the sexy Seventies Roller Girl costume and are “almost free,” so you can’t really go wrong. The seller bought these for her sister who (per the listing) wasn’t supposed to be playing any sports due to a medical condition so she “convinced her not to use them. Ha!” Save a sister and your sex life with just one easy payment of $25.
Polyethylene Foam for Underlayment Sound Barrier, $18/roll
The only thing sexier than foam insulation is foam insulation for soundproofing. This Valentine’s Day, show her the business (or her new chamber in your basement) with an affordable and fun home upgrade. For just $7.00 more per roll you can also buy moisture-barrier floor insulation. She liked 50 Shades of Grey, right?
A charming way to hint that you’re ready to start a family is to artfully arrange a trio of pre-owned dolls on your conjugal bed. Don’t worry — these aren’t just some shabby-ass Bratz dolls, either. They’re “pretty, clean, porcelain, nice.” Just like your fancy lady deserves.
Is your affection inversely proportional to your partner’s weight? Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to tell them that he or she has grown physically repulsive to you. The seller specifies repeatedly that this was an “unwanted gift” so better luck to the next guy? To really take this to the next level, pair it with a Barry’s Bootcamp gift card and discreet body armor (for you).
Valentine’s Day Cronut Delivery, $50/2 (in Manhattan)
If you want to send some really mixed messages, get her this and the fitbit. This is the clear winner of the Valentine’s gift roundup.