You know those “Shit People Going to Coachella Say” parody videos on YouTube? Screw that. Reality at Coachella 2015 is stranger and funnier than what any Funny or Die wannabes could come up with. Here are 25 of the most memorable things our professionally trained eavesdroppers have heard on the polo grounds this year.
25. “I don’t really like concerts that much.” — Some jaded radio-industry dude, in line to pick up our weekend passes on Thursday night.
24. “The stank stays on you.” — The conclusion of an argument regarding whether or not sweat brings the “stank” with it when it evaporates. Pretty gross considering we were about to spend the next three days gliding through the festival on a sweaty, human slip-n-slide.
23. The moment you realize your best friend is a bitch…
Friday, 12:17 p.m. Girl actually about to have a panic attack about her wristband: “Oh my god, it’s so tight! I have to keep this on the whole weekend?!”
Deadpan girl 2: “OK, stop.”
22. “She’s like Janet Joplin. Wait, I mean JANIS Joplin, that’s what I’m trying to say. She’s like Janis Joplin and Aretha Franklin. That’s a good comparison. I’m good at that.” — A very intelligent assessment of Alabama Shakes frontwoman Brittany Howard.
23. A cause for celebration…
“How many times did you pee today?”
“Wow, that’s like a no-pee record for you. Killin’ it!”
Steely Dan was makin’ us feel some type of way…
22. “For those hexagenarians, I’d flash my titty-genarians.”
21. “Shake my tree, Steely Dan!” — Post–Walter Becker rant about shaking up people’s metaphorical musical trees.
20. And apparently so was Angus Young…
“I’ve never been so turned on by a shirtless 70-year-old. But, damn, those fingers are magic! Can you imagine!”
19. Like, whoa…
“Think about it. Imagine if someone from Timbuktu was watching us on some streaming service right now. They’d be like, ‘Shit, America is having the time of their lives.’ ”
18. “We really couldn’t get better seating, because Chris Brown is behind us right now.” Celebrities — they love Tame Impala just like the rest of us.
17. AC/DC lyrics 101
“Dah-Dah! Uh-uh-uh-uhhuhhhuhuhuh. Dah-Dah! Uh-uh-uh-uhhuhhhuhuhuh.”
“Yo, bro, you know they’re saying ‘thunder,’ right?”
“No way. This whole time I just though they were, like, barking.”
16. “You’re a top cunt.” Apparently this is a compliment in Australia.
15. “Where the hell did all these glitter tattoos come from? It’s like Free People took a metallic shit on everyone.”
14. “This is impressive. I am very impressed with you right now.” — One of six girls riding a single pedicab, to a visibly straining pedicab driver.
13. Runnin’ jewels fast, runnin’ runnin’ jewels fast…
Killer Mike: “I’m fat, I’m cute, and I can dance, bitch.”
El-P: “You’re a fucking elegant elephant motherfucker.”
Then came the Josh Tillman comedy hour…
12. “Thank you for being here. I know there are a few other options that don’t include a grown-ass man shaking his hips around and singing about kissing his brother.”
11. “Such an honor to have all the depressive, sad bastards here. We need representation, you know. All of us who don’t really like being out in the sun.”
10. “Forlornly lift your lightsabers into the air.”
9. And we thought WE were excited for Ratatat…
“That was an out-of-body experience. I feel like a fucking LSD angel.”
8. I looooooove Stagecoach
“Do you know what tent this is?”
“No, not who’s playing! What tent!”
7. “Somebody is losing their shit on the golf course right now.”
6. “I’m just getting really tired of having all this Brandy Melville ass in my face.” PREACH.
5. And on that note….
“Ass cleavage is an epidemic.”
4. “Water or alcohol? No, wait, Red Bull. Who does that?” — Some guy after being drenched with a foreign substance at Flying Lotus.
3. “She was literally glowing like E.T.” It’s true. FKA twigs is from another planet.
2. Questlove’s new ‘do threw some of us off…
“Is that the drummer from the Roots?”
“Naw, dude. He has a ‘fro.”
1. And the realest thing ever said at Coachella…
“I feel like my thong has carved another inch into my ass-crack.”
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