Unless you are a fetus, and therefore incapable of reading this, you probably remember The Sims. Not Sim City, not Sims 10: Acid Trip Edition (which we don’t think is real). We’re talking the O.G., oddly dressed, strangely sexual Sims. Besides being a marvel of modern computing, the game also allowed many of us to unleash our inner Billy the Puppet (of Saw fame), devising elaborate and truly sociopathic ways to make our Sims suffer in their impossibly flammable hellscape (barbecue in the living room, anyone?).
If you were any good, you quickly learned that the key to an endless stream of simoleons was “rosebud” and got to work tricking out your house in an aesthetic best described as “Guy Fieri fever dream meets high-end Spencer Gifts.” Now, thanks to several New Yorkers downsizing on Craigslist, you can live out your lifelong fantasy of living in a literal Sims castle.
Heart Bed, $10
Sadly, this one is for a Build-a-Bear (naturally), so it probably can’t accommodate whatever lewd Sims-style shenanigans you had in mind. (Why were they always so DTF? If the blurred-out Sims were doing what they seemed to be, Sim City had a lot in common with the San Fernando Valley, unless they were going unprotected.) This one will, however, make a super-chill sex pad for your pet.
Rodin “Age of Bronze” Statue, $48,000
At a price this reasonable, you won’t have to think twice before bringing this guy up to exacting Sim standards by hosing him down with gold spray paint and covering his shame with some zany Valentine’s boxers. You’ll have to go to Greenwich to pick him up, but it’s certainly going to liven things up on Metro-North on the way back.
Leopard Rug With Matching Pillow Shams, $300
If there’s one unifying design element that really pulls a Sims home together, it’s suffocating quantities of animal print. Luckily, the people of Craigslist (looking at you, Long Island) seem to be on the same page. This substantial rug is a steal at that price and will pair perfectly with your nineteen other hides, suit of armor, and in-house genie.
Tiki Bar, Price Upon Request
When you live in a rental, sometimes you just need something special to really make it your own. Why not start with this massive tiki bar — particularly if you live in a studio or shared space. Between the hot-tubbing and constant boozing, The Sims really should have been called Jimmy Buffett Week at Hedonism III.
White Baby Grand Piano, $7,500
You’re gonna look so cool reclining on this thing in a smoking jacket. Straight up waiting for random neighbors to casually saunter over for a trip to Boner City: Population You. And then yell at you when they can’t find your bathroom (suckers, there is no bathroom).
Juke Box, $600
This would probably be best placed near your tiki bar, but in the true spirit of The Sims, you should probably put it in your roommate’s bedroom and then have a contractor wall over the door while he sleeps. The remote control stays with you, obviously.
Creepy Mannequin, $250
It’s not entirely clear why this creepy-ass mannequin was a status purchase for the Sims, since it seems to fall squarely into the realm of “old hoarder” decor. The kicky spring dress and sensible bob aren’t included, but this Adele Rootstein mannequin has the pose on lock.
Guitar-Themed Furniture Set, $8,500
This isn’t an exact match to anything in the original Sims but definitely wouldn’t be out of place in your dizzying new home. Just try not to set it on fire.
Lava Lamp, $15
Let’s be honest: This is some entry-level Sims shit. Only buy this if you’re moving in to the NYU dorms (and then throw it out a week later when everyone openly mocks you for it).
Here’s the exciting conclusion to Part 1 of the above video. “We’re finally going to start playing!”