If you came of age in the Nineties and early Aughts, you’re probably a boring adult now (possibly one with access to more than $9 and your emergency gas card). Luckily the good people of New York Craigslist are here to help you pay out the teeth for your newly acquired nostalgia. Instead of silently seething at your intern’s “retro” Doc Martens and ironic tattoo choker, bring one of these sick finds to work and show her how shit was really done.
Your First Cellphone, $300
This hot little aquatic-gradient number spelled freedom for many a 2000s teen (plus hours of Snake). Click through three-letter options to text and spend hours exploring the zero features. Best of all, it’s built to withstand being chucked repeatedly at your poster-covered door while you loudly proclaim that you didn’t ask to be born, Mom.
If you find the perfect nostalgia electronic but can’t Instagram it (because it doesn’t have internet), does it still exist?
TI-83 Calculator, $90
This is worth its price tag just to write BOOBS (it’s 80085) once more for old times’ sake.
OG Unopened Tamagotchi, $60
If you’ve been missing the feeling of letting a small hapless creature starve to death in a tiny room filled with his feces, you’re in luck. This original mid-Nineties Tamagotchi is unopened and ready to be horribly neglected, die, and rise phoenix-like from the ashes of his little pixelated ghost only to repeat the cycle ad infinitum until the One True Battery Death.
Nickelodeon Time Blaster Clock, $100
It’s adorable that your mom thought this tubular Nickelodeon alarm clock was going to drag your ass out of bed for those god-awful Apple Jacks you were so pumped about. She shouldn’t have let you stay up all night watching All That if she expected you to be up at the crack of flippin’ dawn.
Nerf Arsenal, $80
In a single brilliant purchase, your new ironic summer sport was born. Comprising fourteen newer-model Nerfs, this set is a serious steal. Could also be used for office hijinks, getting rid of unwanted morning guests, and protecting your fort.
TV/VCR Combo, $90
The sad reality is that this is probably going to be reproduced and sold at Urban Outfitters in a month. Don’t even try to pretend that you didn’t have an ironic ghetto blaster at Kenyon — this is the new that. Some dude is going to be luring women back to his freshman dorm with the promise of Dawson’s Creek on his “retro” TV. Or you could snap it up and watch that box set of Doug you’ve held onto all these years.
Inflatable Chair and Ottoman, $18
A parent’s likelihood of providing (or ignoring the presence of) a sixer of Zima could be immediately gauged by the furniture in your bedroom or playroom. Beanbags were a guaranteed green light, while these sweaty thrones were more of a yellow. Buy this for your adult home and accuse everyone who squeaks across the plastic surface of farting. It even has an ottoman for your tired old-person feet.
Trio of Baby G Watches, $120
Fuck. Yes. You and your best bitches are going to OWN this summer.
Defunct Electronics Suite, $55
If you’re craving the uselessness without any of the nostalgic hipster dick points, this is the lot for you. The fanciest item in this deluxe set is the pair of landlines, but the grody CRAIG clock radio is also well worth the money. The yellowed plastic answering machine will work beautifully as the conversation piece (sorry) of your state-of-the-art home. Re-create your youth by dashing hopefully to the answering machine every night only to be disappointed (now you can buy alcohol for that).