Halloween in New York is second only to New Year’s Eve in terms of garbage experiences that end in either hospitalization or a surprise $800 Uber tab. While nothing can ever top the glory of Sexy Back Cover of The Giving Tree, the e-vendors of New York Craigslist have a lot to offer this All Hallows’ Eve. We dug through pages of slutty beverages and racist caricatures with needless boners to bring you the very best for whatever your plans are this year. After all, you don’t want to be confused with the thousand other Sexy Pizza Rats crawling around the East Village on October 31st.
Clifford and Scooby Doo Costumes, $15
While they’re not all that creepy at first glance, the way these costumes have been styled for the photograph looks more like Sinaloa Cartel retribution than adorable parent-child dog ensembles. Remember kids, snitches get stitches, not tasty treats.
Peppa Pig Adult Costume, $135
According to the internet, Peppa is an adorably rendered, line-drawn cartoon. This adult-sized version would not look out of place as the next antagonist on True Detective. What flower wand has the density of a police-issued billy club? Why do her eyes look like she’s having a methamphetamine-related psychotic break? Does she steal your soul before or after your inevitable slaughter?
Pint of Guinness Costume, $265 ($125 to rent)
The seller describes this as the best costume ever and frankly, he or she is correct. You’ll have to go to Connecticut to snap it up but it could be well worth it for an evening of beer-on-beer crime. Best of all, it comes with a fan inside (and possibly trace amounts of vintage vomit). Crocs are, presumably, not included.
Baby Raggedy Andy Costume, $10
This is perfect if you want to spend the rest of your child’s infancy wondering exactly when he’s going to murder you in cold blood.
Sriracha Costume, $25
“Sexy” costumes are stupid, particularly when this bottle of magic dreams is sexier than any weird bustier-based look you’re going to find at Ricky’s. Bonus points if you spend the entire night making dad jokes about “spicing things up” or being a “saucy broad”. For a couples look, enlist your SO to dress as ancient Pad Thai leftovers and join you as a “Stoner Snack.”
Sexy Tree, $30
Nothing says “single and DTF” quite like a majestic, century-old oak in full autumnal splendor. If you’re gonna go this route, at least call yourself “morning wood.”
Men’s XL Grumpy Costume, $125
$125 seems a little steep for the pre-owned regalia of a single lecherous dwarf. Good luck showing up to your friend’s sweet Murray Hill Halloween rager dressed as the shittiest of seven creeps (extra-questionable with no Snow White in tow). It also looks suspiciously similar to Will Farrell’s getup in Elf.
Adult Elmo Costume, $100
If the XL Grumpy costume was insufficiently creepy, look no further than this adult Elmo suit. Guaranteed that the dude who snaps this up uses it as an excuse to hilariously “tickle” female party guests. It’s probably not harassment if you’re a lovable gender-neutral children’s character!
Donald Trump Mask, $28
Easily the most terrifying look on this list. Despite his goonish expression, the hair is positively understated. Wear this and risk getting your ass kicked — or riding an inexplicable wave of popularity that couldn’t possibly last…right?