The New York rental market hit rock bottom this week when bartender Alana Reali posted a joke housing ad for her dive bar’s bathroom and received a flood of replies. Unless you’re one of the unicorn New Yorkers who bought before your neighborhood blew up, you’re probably all too familiar with the brutal self-negotiation that apartment share-hunting entails (that tent set up off the kitchen in a McKibbin loft is basically glamping, right?). In case you thought that the bathroom for rent was beyond the pale, here are eight currently available options that illustrate just how bleak New York has become for roommate-seekers.
Unfurnished Rego Park Hoarder Attic, $750/month
On the bright side, this bleak and inconveniently located attic dwelling boasts an actual window and a tiny pseudo-closet. Maybe the seller, who “will be getting a dog,” will let you borrow that tricycle for your commute.
Financial District “Loft Space,” $920/month
Live la vie bohème in this twelve-by-six-foot Financial District “loft space” for just shy of a grand a month (not including utilities). With soaring five-foot-tall ceilings and room for “a lot of furniture” (presumably the dollhouse kind), there’s plenty of space to make it your own.
If “Chinatown Rub and Tug” is the aesthetic you’ve always wanted for your home, look no further than this sectioned-off portion of a living room in Sunset Park. The landlord refers to the space as “completely enclosed and private” but notes that he’ll have to walk through to get to the rest of the apartment.
A walk-in closet is every New Yorker’s ultimate fantasy — one lucky lady will get to live in one! Advertised as a small room, this obvious closet comes “fully furnished” with a luxurious file cabinet “dresser” and floor mattress. All for only $750 with two months up front.
Ever wondered what it feels like to be kidnapped and held for ransom? Check out this so-called living room for rent somewhere unspecified in Brooklyn. Between the stained and newspaper-strewn linoleum floors, dingy sheets dividing the space, and sagging fold-up cot, this apartment wants for nothing. This landlord advises you to “HURRY lots of people after it” — snap this gem up before someone else does.
If you’re hoping to spend at least an hour commuting and also live in a semi-finished attic dwelling, welcome home! This landlord has generously opened up his or her dirty storage space to a “single person or single person with a child” as long as there are “no visitors at all.” This actually sounds (and looks) a little murder-y.
Listed as a “Bohemian Apartment Share,” this room is a shared enclosure in a two-bedroom apartment sleeping between three and four “depending on the season.” The current tenants are only looking for a social nudist male roomie, which suggests a fun bedtime view for the person with the bottom bunk.
While this may seem like a miscategorized post (it’s in the sublets section), the “landlord” filled out details like “private room” and “no private bath,” which would suggest that he or she hasn’t ruled out the possibility of a live-in tenant. With 24-hour security, month-to-month rent structure, and 160 glorious square feet just for you, this is probably the best option on the list.