New York

50 Things That Will Just. Keep. Happening. In New York in 2016


Hark — it’s the end of 2015! Resolutions! New beginnings! A better you! Yadda, yadda, yadda. But just because a new year is about to begin doesn’t mean that everything will change.

What, you seriously thought you’d make good on that gym membership? That you’d finally get your IDNYC card? Or that maybe people will actually pay attention to all those subway etiquette signs? Psssh.

Each year, it’s the same old story, only with different numbers. As the hours until 2016 dwindle, we’re keeping it real and looking at all the stuff we New Yorkers can rely on dealing with year in and year out. Whether you’re new to the city or you’ve been here forever, here’s the same old crap (and a few good things) that’ll just keep on keeping on in the new year ahead.

50. Rats will keep hoarding pizza in subway stations. And we’ll film them.

49. New York will remain a city divided between Frenchie fanatics and haters (and pet-obsessed peeps in general).

48. Polite people in cafes will talk about how they morally object to seeing the new Woody Allen movie.

47. The Post will continue to mistake the sad reality of institutional homelessness for some personal failing of Mayor De Blasio’s.

46. Your usual train line will definitely be “subject to (incomprehensible) changes” over the weekend.

45. You’ll be able to spot all the trends at NYFW way before they finally hit your Midwestern cousins’ radar — three seasons too late. (And you’ll see some truly avant garde, weird, and incredible streetwear.)

44. The mole on your neck will keep getting bigger.

43. Michael Grimm will hopefully still be in jail. Until about May. But probably not.

42. There will still be sick passengers. And we’ll still never see them.

41. Poor Billy Joel will remain chained to Madison Square Garden for his monthly residency.

40. Repertory filmgoing in New York — especially at MoMA, where two fistfights nearly broke out in 2015 — will continue to be a blood sport.

39. Maintaining the facade that you’re going to read all those New Yorkers stacked next to your bed.

38. Republican presidential candidate debates. And we’ll keep watching them. At a bar. Tweeting furiously.

37. New Yorkers will keep dying in weird ways.

36. You will walk around knowing you could get really good at bowling if you bothered to, but you still won’t.

35. Quoting Taylor Swift‘s “Welcome to New York” remains your go-to greeting for visitors and recent transplants.

34. Penises and testicles won’t cease to inspire creative minds.

33. Using the office microwave to heat up your sad desk lunch will still be depressing as hell.

32. Eat ALL the pizza. Doesn’t matter if it’s old-school or new-school.

31. The street sweeper will still do little more than push that diaper down the block.

30. Newbies won’t stop spouting off crap like “Only in New York!”

29. The characters from Broad City, Master of None, and High Maintenance will be your city spirit guides.

28. New Yorkers’ mailboxes will continue to be a source of wonderment.

27. All that time on the subway will be the best (and only) time you have to catch up on your reading.

26. You’ll get doused with squeegee disinfectant and/or filthy pothole water while walking down the sidewalk.

25. The annual Coney Island Mermaid Parade will be the best place to spot a fish out of water (in a good way).

24. So many $20 cocktails.

23. This guy will still be the worst.

22. Colleges will remain forced to consider basic human decency for student housing.

21. Mayor De Blasio will work out at the Park Slope YMCA. He will dress like your dad. He may or may not be blowing off something important in order to awkwardly pedal that bike.

20. Music venues will shutter. (Good thing there’s the hope of a few more popping up in their place.)

19. Beards (and man buns).

18. Most New Yorkers probably won’t be able to sign up for the medical marijuana program… but they’ll still smoke lots of weed (probably in public).

17. The NYPD will keep cracking down on jaywalking — even if they’re already in the midst of a crackdown.

16. Notes of lingering “eau de urine” will be just about everywhere in the summertime.

15. Icons of “old New York” will still continue to close. (Or move away.)

14. You’ll still be cramped in a closet and paying a shit ton of rent for it BUT there’s a payoff: your living room is Central Park.

13. Citi-Bikes will be the bane of your existence.

12. We’ll still pretend that Manhattanhenge is a thing that matters to people.

11. At least one new Duane Reade will open up on your block.

10. Dating will still be weird and awkward.

9. St. Marks will die many more deaths.

8. New Yorkers will keep getting arrested because of a half-century-old knife law.

7. Crummy landlords are like cockroaches and Cher — they’ll be here ’til the end of time. Why should 2016 be any different?

6. People in front of you will walk at such a glacial pace, you’ll be begging Mayor De Blasio for pedestrian “fast lanes.”

5. You will have a terrible time convincing friends to cross two boroughs to meet.

4. Well-off Manhattanites will still tip like shit. (Luckily, here’s a how-to on tipping — for the places that accept ’em, that is.)

3. People will still ascend the wrong side of the stairs, go through the wrong side of the turnstile, and generally move about in ways that are objectively incorrect.

2. Painted boobs will still be on display in Times Square, and the city will almost definitely not be swallowed up in hellfire.

1. The rent will still be too damn high.

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