Welcome to Cleveland! The Voice Previews 2016 GOP Convention


Days before the gangrened appendages of the Republican party convene in Cleveland, Steve Brodner imagines the schedule of events for the 2016 GOP Convention for the Village Voice. Stay tuned for more from the RNC when Brodner will be posting drawings of the convention in real time, 8-10 p.m. Monday through Thursday on the Voice website. Read Molly Crabapple’s preview of Trump’s Boschian RNC nightmare.

Monday, 11 a.m.

Donald Trump kicks off the convention by announcing to buy the Quicken Loans Arena and turn it into a hybrid university-casino. Delegates receive a ground-floor investment opportunity (to be followed later in the week by a Chapter 11 filing and a huuuuge and mysterious fire).

Monday, 3 p.m. 

Demonstrations outside the convention center, led by Rob Portman, Lindsey Graham, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Kelly Ayotte, and the Bush family, culminate ceremonial burning of the Trump logo using a flaming bag of Cheetos. 

Tuesday, 8 p.m. 

“Look at My Mexicans!”: The Radio City Rockettes perform a traditional mariachi dance inside a giant (edible!) taco bowl before being forcibly ejected by security guards. 

Wednesday, 11 a.m. — 3 p.m. 

It’s Global Strength Day, featuring speeches of support from esteemed leaders on the world stage. 

Wednesday, 8 p.m. 

“A Better Tomorrow”: Ted Cruz delivers the convention’s keynote address, outlining the Party’s priorities for the next four years.

Thursday, 9 p.m. 

In his “End Times” acceptance speech, delivered in a home-grown shtreimel, Donald J. Trump follows a rousing “Hava Nagila” by asking the Hasidic community the $10,000 question: What could possibly go wrong?