It’s May, so it’s time to get your body in shape for summer by sitting on your ass and watching TV. Look at you! You’re beautiful!!!
A Little Help With Carol Burnett (Netflix), May 4
Comedy queen Carol Burnett and a bunch of kids give advice to celebrities? I guess? I’m honestly worried this is gonna culminate in a nine-year-old explaining Grindr to her while Burnett pulls her earlobe in a desperate attempt to be rescued. That said, I’ll watch every episode because it’s important to bask in the glow that is Carol Burnett whenever possible. And stay tuned for Netflix’s next offering: Grumpy Cat explains to Vicki Lawrence what “on fleek” means.
Sweetbitter (Starz), May 6
A six-episode, half-hour drama series based on Stephanie Danler’s novel of the same name about a twentysomething who gets a job in the cutthroat world (?) of high-end dining in New York City. I’m pretty sure this is just an excuse for a sex show, but because Starz can’t yet do straight-up porn, it has to be about how difficult restaurant life is. You know what’s the most difficult? The fact that restaurant workers are licking each other in the kitchen. That doesn’t sound like it would fly on Top Chef, but it will fly in my pants. Bring on the millennial meatball sexcapades!
Vida (Starz), May 6
This half-hour drama from creator Tanya Saracho (and loosely based on a Richard Villegas Jr. short story) is about two Mexican American sisters forced back into each other’s lives after their mom (who kept a major secret!!) dies. It’s almost certainly another sneaky attempt from Starz to get those boobies up onscreen, but I must respect it! And our April Wolfe likes it! This deep dive into identity, sexuality, and culture through the lens of a Latinx family looks fresh, fun, and juicy AF. This is gonna be the high-class soap of my dreams, and I’m already wearing my binging caftan. (My binging caftan has pockets for snacks!)
Motherland (Sundance Now), May 10
The Irish Oracle of Marriage and Parenting, Sharon Horgan, brings us a new-ish BBC comedy about middle-class motherhood. It’s got a bunch of British women yelling at their kids and pouring vodka into punch, so it falls squarely into my demographic and I’m already declaring it the Best Series of 2018.
All Night (Hulu), May 11
This ten-episode Hulu original focuses on a group of students during an all-night, lock-in graduation party. First things first: It’s a comedy, but that premise is terrifying. Why are they locked in? Schools actually do this? It’s for sure a major fire hazard, and it’s also super creepy. As someone who wet the bed until a serial killer age, I have to say that I would be very uncomfortable with not being able to control when and how I could return to the comfort of my own home. Anyway, I guess this show goes out to all the people who didn’t want to leave high school? All ten of you? Enjoy!
Little Women (PBS), May 13
I was hoping this would be a trash reality TV–meets–public television joint where TLC’s little women are cast as Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women and it’s the most ambitious crossover event in history, but alas. What a missed opportunity!!! Oh, well. It’ll still be tight because you know mama Louisa is gonna bring the sisterly drama and, more importantly, that hot Laurie action! Hummina hummina. This version stars Emily Watson, Angela Lansbury, Dylan Baker, Kathryn Newton, and Willa Fitzgerald, and I can’t wait to see them all nonstop lamenting their poverty and crying with shawls on.
The Break With Michelle Wolf (Netflix), May 27
I didn’t know much about Michelle Wolf until I watched her brilliant turn hosting the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, and now I am straight-up OBSESSED with her? Such a charming weirdo, and I could watch her go after Melania’s idiot husband and his goon squad for DAYS. Also, her voice is like Sarah Silverman ate Gilbert Gottfried and then fucked the Nanny and melted into a pool of butter mixed with sandpaper, and it’s glorious. I’m sure her variety show will be the tits, but I’m hoping for fewer fat jokes than in her stand-up sets, because girl! Those tired bits are way too easy and also you’re punching down and that suuuucks. You can be dumb and funny and not make people want to cry. It’s possible! I believe in you!! USA! USA! USA!