Holy SHIT! September premieres are in EFFECT! The list is very real this month and will require your FULL ATTENTION. Maybe call in sick. For a week. (At least.)
Because the list is so overwhelming, I’m gonna try to do a quick hit on everything that’s potentially worth watching — and that’s just the new stuff! Hella shows are coming back too, including Shameless (September 9) and Bojack Horseman (September 14), and the day of September 27 will be a glorious day indeed, as it graces us with both The Good Place and Law & Order SVU. Oh, and the 70th Primetime Emmy Awards are on the 17th, so maybe just call in dead. Worth it, especially if we don’t take back the House in November. So, wait. Make sure to cast your absentee ballot and then you can call in dead. Or actually die. Either way! Just vote first!!!
The Purge (USA), September 4
The TV version of The Purge is here to help you Marie Kondo the people in your life — if they don’t bring you joy, OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! I don’t know; whatever. If you like to see blood and guts and people being horrific to each other, turn on C-SPAN. If you want to watch some schlocky B-grade horror-lite, the show will probs be fine? Although the trailer pissed me off because it’s hella male gaze–y. It’s like JFC, can’t women get one day off from being sexualized? It’s the FUCKING PURGE, for crying out loud. It’s like everyone’s just trying to not die but, yes, let’s make sure girlfriend’s showing some major cleave.
Kidding (Showtime), September 9
It’s Michel Gondry’s first foray into TV, and it’s a trippy mindfuck starring Jim Carrey. Surprised!?!? The celebrity anti-vaxxer stars as Mr. Pickles, the host of a children’s TV show who is clearly having some sort of mental troubles. The commentary writes itself, which is helpful since I can’t because I don’t want to be sued!! Anyway, Mr. Pickles is like Steve from Blue’s Clues on a bad acid trip, and the trailer alone is a splendid acid trip, so I know I’m gonna enjoy this.
You (Lifetime), September 9
This adaptation of Caroline Kepnes’s novel about a handsome psycho stalker stars Penn Badgley as the aforementioned handsome psycho stalker. I mean, it’s kinda the role he was meant to play, just based on faces alone. That is one handsome, psycho face, right? I think it’s the cheekbones. So severe. So sexual.
Forever (Amazon), September 14
Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph star as a married couple who are just kinda sick of each other in this comedy from Master of None co-creator Alan Yang and 30 Rock’s Matt Hubbard. Maya Rudolph is a goddamned national treasure, and the rest of the information seems solid, so this will probably be the best show that’s ever been on the air; eat shit, Breaking Bad. (JK, what a show.)
Norm Macdonald Has a Show (Netflix), September 14
Norm!!!!!!!!! Speaking of handsome psycho faces! Well, I guess his face is more…uh, weathered?…than handsome, and he has kind, smiling eyes. Not psycho. I take that first part back! Norm Macdonald is the perfect man, and he is so so so funny, and I even loved his sitcom from the early 2000s, The Norm Show! Remember that show?! I loved it so much I wrote an episode before I even knew what a spec script was. I don’t even want to know if he’s problematic, and yes, I know that makes me part of the problem. Anyway, God’s Perfect Specimen is gonna interview such notable guests as David Letterman, Drew Barrymore, Chevy Chase, Jane Fonda, Michael Keaton, and Judge Judy. That’s right: JUDGE JUDY. Norm really knows how to give the ladies (me) what we (I) want! I’d like a spin-off of this talk show that’s just Norm and Judge Judy solving crimes. They can run the K-9 unit and it shall be called K-9? K YOU! And the poster is them, back to back, shrugging and making out with their respective police dogs. Let’s go, Netflix!
Maniac (Netflix), September 21
Based on a 2014 Norwegian show, Maniac is a dark comedy miniseries starring Jonah Hill and Emma Stone as two troubled strangers who go inside a galaxy brain — am I using that term correctly?! — after being tested on by some pharma company. It might be good, and it might not be, but with True Detective’s Cary Fukunaga and Leftovers’ writer Patrick Somerville, it’ll most definitely be acclaimed! Hey, at least Emma is playing a white girl! Progress!
Single Parents (ABC), September 26
It’s a comedy about single parents trying to just survive — which, give it up, single parents are fucking amazing and should have seventeen sitcoms dedicated to them, or maybe instead of that, free day care? USA! USA! Anyway, this ensemble sitcom from New Girl creator Liz Meriwether and writer J.J. Philbin stars Taran Killam, Leighton Meester, and Brad Garrett as the single parents, so let’s watch them survive and thrive! JK, they’re gonna fall on their asses, but it’ll be fun.
Murphy Brown (CBS), September 27
The bitch is back, BB! Like a bat outta hell, the eleventh season of the series picks up where the tenth season ended — twenty years later. The incomparable hottie that is Candice Bergen stars, of course, and other than that…honestly, I don’t remember much of the original series, for I was but a babe but apparently it was kind of a mess? Maybe instead we just get 22 minutes of uninterrupted video of Candice Bergen popping off on her incredible life. Would pay to see.
God Friended Me (CBS), September 30
Sounds terrible. Will watch because I hate myself (already established). Moving on.
Ack! And that’s not all — other notable new show mentions include the September 9 premiere of Rel on Fox (Lil Rel Howery’s new multi-camera with several of his former Carmichael Show cohorts), and Netflix’s The Good Cop on September 21, which stars TONY DANZA and JOSH GROBAN as father-son detectives! My husband grimaced through the whole trailer, and I applauded, we are a classic Groban (me)/Danza (him) pair! Oh, and of course, Dick Wolf brings us more of his usual greatness in the form of FBI, a new procedural that premieres on September 25 on CBS. BRB, off to light a candle so Mr. Wolf never dies.