A List of Easily Achievable New Year’s Resolutions


After midnight tonight, as you are finishing your seventh screwdriver and fishing your phone out of the toilet, you are expected to make a promise to yourself, a resolution. These often turn out to be hollow gestures; the unused gym membership, the Rosetta Stone disc gathering dust on your desk, the AA sponsor’s corpse underneath your floorboards.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

By setting the bar low, you can fulfill your goals for the new year without breaking a sweat. Here’s a list of some easily achievable sample resolutions:

  • Get a haircut
  • Eat more soup
  • Eat less soup
  • Only buy generic acetaminophen
  • Read the Wikipedia entry on Tibet in its entirety
  • Delete your spam
  • Clap at the end of movies
  • Pet at least one dog a day
  • Re-learn long division (If you already know long division, resolve to improve)
  • Buy something to put Q-Tips in

Please, only pledge to do one of the above resolutions. You don’t want to strain yourself in 2012.