An Insidious Gang Of Cabbage Patch Kid-Based Drug Smugglers Is Terrorizing Governors Island

Let it be known the Beach at Governors Island website’s official FAQ section, as far as rock-concert venue FAQ’s go, is surprisingly enjoyable reading, though it doesn’t exactly have great things to say about humanity. Of particular interest is the rapid-fire list of shit you can and cannot bring: eyedrops yes, umbrellas no, a stroller “yes, if it is for an infant/toddler.” (This wording pretty much guarantees that somebody for some reason showed up at like an Erykah Badu show with a toddler-less stroller, which is fascinating.) But the best Q that is apparently FA’d is even weirder:

Can my daughter bring her doll? Dolls are not allowed because some concert goers were using them to conceal illegal substances. We are sorry that a few bad apples prevent your music loving children from bringing their favorite Cabbage Patch to our shows.

Good lord, drug addicts are now stealing plot points from the movie Traffic. Leave your Beanie Babies at home for Rock the Bells, I guess. What’s fun about this is to go back through Governors Island’s 2009 schedule and try and figure out at which show this diabolical drug-smuggling tactic most likely occurred: toss-up between Badfish and Buckethead, I reckon. Here’s this year’s schedule; Michael Franti shows up June 3. Bring all the lip balm you want. [Thanks to Weingarten, of course.]