You’re not actually going to celebrate today with a smile and a cuddle just because chocolate makers, florists, and greeting-card companies want you to, are you?
Are you that much of a corprorate droog, that easily manipulated to feign some romance with someone you shouldn’t have to turn it on with for the sake of yearly peer pressure?
Please!
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Show some moxie, go against the grain, and celebrate my new annual holiday: Anti-Valentine’s Day.
It’s so much more cathartically rewarding.
Here are some of the fun activities designed for this incredible 24-hour rage-romp, and they’re all absolutely free, or at the very least really cheap:
*Take someone you can’t stand out to dinner. After eating, inform them that you’re celebrating Anti-Valentine’s Day and you chose them as your date because you’ve always despised them. Then leave them with the bill.
*Call someone who mercilessly dumped you and, in a funny voice, tell them their worst habit (“Your toes smell,” “You whinny when you orgasm,” “Your meat loaf isn’t fit for a dog”), then hang up. Do it again and again, and when you run out of horrible habits, start repeating some.
*Send a particularly loathsome ex some dirt in an envelope, informing them that the flowers will arrive separately.
*Break up with someone. Tell them over a romantic candlelit dinner at a lovely restaurant. And again, leave them with the check.
*If you see two rats mating in an alleyway, call the police!
Come on, folks. Come celebrate AV Day with me! You’ll feel so much better afterward.