New York Parks Have Gotten Too Fucking Nice

A few years ago, I started noticing that Central Park was getting too, you know, nice, with its perfectly groomed flora and flawless looking landscaping.

Even the occasional raccoons popping their fucking heads in your face seemed rather lovely in appearance, almost as if they’d been given full body waxes, deep-tissue massages, and some hair gel.

And the other day I passed by Stuyvesant Park and found it to be way better manicured than in the past–practically a Fragonard painting come to life, with a lilting scent in the air to match.

Where was the dog shit? Where were the rats?

Who kidnapped my New York and replaced it with movie stills?

Meanwhile, Madison Square Park looks totally taken care of these days, and Bryant Park is even more gorgeous, a real-life Disney movie filled with perfectly accessorized branches and smiley faces.

You expect everyone to hold hands and break into song!

WTF?

What’s with the nice shit?

If I want to live in a city with sweet looking flowers everywhere, I can move to fucking Chicago!