In honor of the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, we’ve invited SOTC buddies and pop savants Sean Fennessey and Ryan Dombal to lend a certain wisdom and perspective to these sure-to-be completely dignified proceedings. Gentleman?
9:00pm
Sean: We’re coming to you live from one or two or seven places. Ryan, how do you feel?
Ryan: It’s kinda hot in here.
9:01pm
Sean: Always, always about Madge. Even if it isn’t.
Ryan: I guess Madonna is going to die now.
Sean: Pete Wentz is moved, though, so you know, good.
Ryan: He’s Twittering.
Ryan: Holler at Brooke Shields.
Sean: “The roar of the lynch mob is so loud you’re convinced your voice can never be heard.”
Sean: Madonna is a werewolf.
Ryan: Cue Sharpton.
Sean: Taylor Lautner, let’s get it.
9:07pm
Sean: Would Chris Brown take back all the woman-beating if he knew he could get in on this MJ tribute?
Ryan: Why isn’t Ne-Yo, like, dancing up there?
Sean: So this is just a series of anono-MJs dancing around? I can see this every Sunday in Union Square.
Ryan: Of, as Madonna mentioned on the “internet.”
Sean: Internet? Never heard of it.
Ryan: “Scream” is wildly underrated, btw.
Sean: Totally agree. Janet came out of this MJ fiasco looking good, though.
9:14pm
Ryan: Katy Perry’s guitar hero avatar, ladies and gents.
Sean: Does Joe Perry get paid for this or is he just a good guy?
Ryan: I hope all the surprise collaborations are based on last name coincidences.
Sean: Russell Brand is wearing tighter pants than Vivica A. Fox on club night.
9:20pm
Ryan: Props to Gaga for her Phantom of the Disco getup / somehow stealing Beyonce’s shot.
Sean: In case you missed it, she brought Kermit the Frog as her date. They made out.
Ryan: Gaga just saw Dark Crystal for the first time.
Sean: me: Oh no @wale’s enormous bow tie.
Ryan: He’s not supposed to interact w/ the host.
Sean: So I imagine you scoped out all the winners that leaked this weekend?
Ryan: WHAT?!
Seam: Nothing is sacred. Sorry, bud.
Ryan: How is Shakira not on the Twilight soundtrack?
Sean: Taylor Swift wins Best Female, which, really America, good for you.
Ryan: Taylor has to stop pretending that she’s not a star.
Sean: “I sing country music.” Sad. Own it!
Ryan: I’m really worried about Kanye.
Sean: He’s always better at being a good sport when not trying to be a good sport.
Ryan: First Blueprint 3, now rehashing bad bits on defenseless millionaire 17-year-olds.
Sean: This probably isn’t the place for me to tell you how wrong you are on BP3.
You gotta believe in Jay-Z, America!
9:26pm
Sean: Technical difficulties, only 26 minutes in!
Ryan: You think Kanye and Beyonce are buddies? Like is Matthew going to end his career now?
9:28pm
Sean: Kanye once told me Beyoncé is “the greatest entertainer of her generation.”
Susan Boyle was mad aggy about it.
Ryan: That hair is a rehash, too. I dunno. He’s running out of ideas.
Sean: Twitter is revolting against Ye. It’s a swarm of hate.
9:34pm
Sean: What happened to Russell Brand’s sleeves?
9:37pm
Sean: The interstitial video treatments have really devolved, by the way. They used be crazy. Now they suck.
Sean: Green Day wins Best Rock Video.
Ryan: Green Day is the ultimate “why not” VMA band circa 2009.
Everyone else is busy type thing.
Sean: Tre Cool looks like Jeff Daniels circa ‘Something Wild.’
Ryan: Beiber vs. Kanye!
Sean: Apparently Taylor Swift will be performing underground.
Ryan: Is she going to flash a hobo?
Sean: Subway trains are so cool!
Ryan: This reminds me of that time that guy pissed on me while belching “Time After Time” on the F.
Ryan: And Travolta hijacks the train, great.
Ryan: One of those times I wish Smell-O-Vision existed.
Sean: Never have I long so deeply for the JoBros. No pause.
Ryan: NYC rulz.
Sean: That’s what it was like when we saw Wilco at Radio City Music Hall.
Ryan: Why go to NYC if you’re just gonna turn it into a Paramount lot anyway?
9:44pm
Sean: Seriously just checked to see how my fantasy football team is doing. So we’re not off to a great start.
9:47pm
Ryan: So: Big “Empire State” finale w/ Jay in the New Times Square?
Tourists expunged, natch.
Sean: I hope they make it out to Park Slope. The F is such a great line!
Ryan: New York, baby!
Ryan: Remember when we saw Gabe @ Bubbys?
He can pull off a suit, though.
Sean: Gabe Saporta and I once auditioned for a Fuse talking heads show together. He was wildly insensitive.
9:50pm
Sean: It’s Lady Gaga time.
Ryan: Gaga has been to Bjork.com.
Sean: Gaga from the waist down: Best evs?
Ryan: Very WWF starlet.
Sean: Never seen a pop star have sex with, then get stabbed by a piano. The VMAs!
Ryan: So is that also a tribute to MJ? People realize “Leave Me Alone” exists, right? I think he had more to bitch about.
9:58pm
Ryan: How can we adequately report what’s going on with Kanye?
Sean: Rumor has it Kanye has been banned from MTV for LIFE!!!!
Sean: Pink tweeted he is “the biggest piece of shit on earth.”
My tweet: Cool haircut!
Ryan: I heard Kanye isn’t allowed to watch MTV anymore.
Sean: Kanye just had both eyes gouged out by Dave Sirulnick.
Ryan: All of his videos are being deleted from YouTube. His blog is 404’d.
Sean: Kanye West officially does not exist.
Ryan: He didn’t produce “Takeover.”
Sean: OMG there is no more “Takeover.”
10:02pm
Sean: Wisin Y Yandel dilettante nomination.
Sean: Britney still wins.
Ryan: Nelly’s Spanish album will not be as good as Shakira’s English album.
Ryan: Kid is in Britney’s band!
Ryan: Megan Fox is really trying to look like Octamom nowadays amirite?!
Sean: I’m over Megan Fox. When she comes down a peg I’ll be back on board.
Sean: Dear Green Day, we already made jokes about you. Leave.
Ryan: Kanye should’ve picked a better spot. Like now.
Ryan: I’m pretty sure this song is about ear-tug highlights.
Ryan: Tre Cool is thinking super fucking hard right now.
Ryan: More reaction shots from hip-hop stars, plz.
Ryan: This is the first time I’ve felt young in three months.
Ryan: Where’s Girl Talk when you need him.
Sean: Bad news, Ryan. I booked Billie Joe and Co. to perform at my wedding.
Sean: I wanted a real “rebellious” feel.
Ryan: Yeah, Winger wasn’t available, apparently.
Ryan: Kanye Update: Blackberry deactivated his account.
10:16pm
Ryan: Kristen Stewart now showing contempt for fanbase via haircut.
Sean: It’s for the Runaways movie, chill!
Ryan: Twilight 2: New Movie, Same Headband
Ryan: She hates the world, Sean.
Ryan: Flying Fangz, Hidden Virginity
Sean: Male lower abdomens are so hawt right now.
10:20pm
Sean: Ilene and I just broke down how thin Beyoncé looks. Whaddya think of that for instant commentary!? Leggings!
Ryan: Weird to see B w/o Fosse dancers at this point.
Ryan: Spoke too soon.
Ryan: Hate to say this is not an event a year later.
Sean: At what point are we over the “Single Ladies” routine?
Ryan: Kanye killed Beyoncé’s career, basically.
Ryan: That’s the takeaway.
Sean: This is the closest I’m ever going to get to B’s crotch.
10:26pm
Ryan: Holler @ Tiesto.
Ryan: “Use Somebody” is officially the most covered song of 2009 w/ Solange redo.
Sean: I’m so proud of Solange. She actually shifted the conversation.
Ryan: So are we blaming Solange for Jay’s Grizzly Bear infatuation?
Sean: Obvs.
Ryan: I used to like her.
Ryan: When she was playing fake TV shows @ SXSW.
Ryan: But she did more to ruin Jay than Jones.
Sean: She’s still great. She’s influential now!
10:31pm
Sean: Diddy says Kanye’s name and the boos arrive. Astonishing.
Ryan: People are super sensitive, and dumb.
Ryan: At least Kanye has fodder for his next album– now people actually hate him. “Hate” even kinda makes sense.
Sean: And he made himself so easy to love!
Sean: Gerard Butler=rock star
Ryan: Butler is killing this Muse intro!
Ryan: So did Spin know about this?
Sean: I think the question is: Did America know about this?
Sean: A band could not be less in tune with what makes for popular music in the U.S. right now than these guys.
Ryan: Ok, so Thom Yorke won’t be a good egg, so Industry gets Muse.
Makes sense on paper, I suppose.
Sean: Radiohead killed it at the Grammys. That was enough.
Ryan: This was inevitable but…how the fuck does Muse get a shot and Paramore is nowhere to be found.
Sean: Where are these nubile young girls who worship Muse? Were they airmailed in from Wales?
Ryan: It’s a glorified video shoot.
Maybe this is an Activision move.
Sean: The whole walk-around-and-rock-thing needs a facelift. Tommy Lee was playing drums upside down 20 years ago!
Ryan: Muse GH is probably the best way to experience them.
Sean: Have you played “Knights of Cydonia” on Hard? That shit is tough!
Ryan: I bet.
Ryan: I like the idea that bands are geting signed now based on their GH-ability.
10:45pm
Ryan: Taylor Update: She just downloaded that app that tells you where to get off on the subway platform.
10:46pm
Ryan: All American Rejects trying to be Of Montreal
Sean: Wale is not amused
Ryan: Emo is dead.
me: J-Lo fresh out the cryogenic freezer, talking about the Bronx and “hip-hop.”
Ryan: Electro!
Sean: Eminem is so electro.
Ryan: I wish Jay kept the hair.
Sean: Yeah, it was cute. Like when your son comes back from college with a goatee.
Ryan: I was waiting for a Money Train ref from J-Lo. Bummer.
Sean: Kid Cudi, paying tribute to DJ AM with the blowjob song. Makes sense.
Ryan: Cudi is such an asshole.
Ryan: Where is Kurt Loder, fuck
Sean: Jim Cantiello is the anti-Loder.
Sean: Un-Loder.
Sean: He’s de-Loder.
Ryan: How long can it take to not think of an angle for his Where the Wild Things Are? MTV.com review.
Ryan: I wonder what Tabitha Soren is up to…
Sean: Rooming with Martha Quinn?
Ryan: Adam Curry! And we’re done.
10:54pm
Ryan: Black Eyed Peas should perform “I Gotta Feeling” on this show. Just saying.
Sean: Can’t believe I’m delaying “Mad Men” for this. Zach, you owe me, dude.
Sean: Trending topic tomorrow: Who is Asher Roth’s girlfriend?
Ryan: That’s a downgrade for Kelis.
10:58pm
Sean: Gaga, head to toe in blood red outfit and mask: Revolutionary.
Ryan: I mean, no competition but speech of the night.
Ryan: Even Serena wants to kill Kanye.
Sean: She would annihilate him.
11:02pm
Ryan: Pink’s Club Med vaca pays off.
Sean: If Pink didn’t have a nipple slip, would that be the biggest surprise of the night?
Sean: Doing trapeze=The new interrupting Taylor Swift.
11:07pm
Sean: Robert Loggia’s big comeback in the Mac/PC commercial is the best.
Sean: They shoulda had him play “Heart & Soul” on the giant foot keyboard, tho.
11:10pm
Ryan: Have you tried 5 Gum?
Sean: True Story: I had 150 packs in my old VIBE office.
Sean: When it launched they sent me a box.
Sean It’s a Wrigley’s product.
Ryan: Wow. Where is it now?
Sean: Buried 6 feet deep along with my career.
11:11pm
Ryan: “Wale, we need you to stretch” — the six most depressing words in awards show history.
Sean: “Our generation’s David Letterman: Jimmy Fallon.” *dead*
Ryan: Letterman never put his dick in a box.
Sean: Just his soul.
Ryan: Deep.
Sean: Beyoncé wins Video of the Year. And the clowns wept.
Sean: Kanye West lives!
Sean: Oh wait, Taylor’s coming out to have her moment. Kanye’s dead again!
Ryan: I knew it was planned!
Ryan: Yr crazy for this one Kanye.
Sean: You a genius!
Ryan: Perez is crying.
11:18pm
Ryan: Sad how little Kanye needs to do the be the story nowadays.
Sean: Every year we complain about this show, but every year he does something interesting.
11:22pm
Ryan: Katy Perry should’ve done “Hot N Cold” / Shakira should’ve done “She Wolf” #whymtvcantaffordtimessquare
Ryan: This is not that hard, people.
Ryan: Jay needs to mention Kanye here.
Sean: Never gonna happen.
Ryan: Shame.
Ryan: Aggro flow is so unnecessary.
Sean: Disagree!
Ryan: Em loves it.
Sean: “Still sippin’ mai tais” – so true!
Ryan: Alicia’s one-hoop look: by choice?
Ryan: This song is way more censorable than I originally thought.
Sean: Because it’s got heart!
Sean: I love Jay-Z, I’m sorry.
Sean: Don’t dance too close to Alicia, Beyoncé is watching.
Ryan: Lil Mama = Soy Bomb 2009
Or whoever that was.
11:29pm
Sean: “This Is It” is the crassest shit ever.
Ryan: MJ killed MTV.
Sean: “Look, Michael is normal cuz he works just like you, also he made ‘Thriller.’ ‘Thriller.'”
Ryan: Russell Brand de-fanged is so pointless.
11:35pm
Sean: If you have gotten this far, welcome to the kill screen.
Ryan: Going off my theory that Kanye sabotaged Blueprint 3– Jay realized this and made him do the asshole thing to get people back on Jay’s side b/c there’s no alternative.
Sean: You solved it.
Ryan: Yes!
Ryan: Grammys already booking Taylor Swift / Kanye mashup performance.
Sean: Obama beer meeting?
11:39pm
Ryan: Biggest Winner: Rihanna, for not showing up
Sean: Best moment?
Ryan: I’m going to say Pink copying Kanye’s heart-on-chest thing from last year.
Sean: I enjoyed the cutaways to Beyonce all night.
Sean: “I’m shocked!”
Sean: “I’m happy”
Sean: “I’m proud”
Sean: “I’m rich”
Ryan: Beyonce is very expressive. I wish Stringer was Jay’s seat-filler.
Sean: He was busy with Ali Larter.
11:43pm
Ryan: You think Beyonce respects Gaga?
Sean: I think she’s either afraid of her or sort of amused. “Oh that’s nice, crazy white lady.”
Ryan: I think Beyonce’s afraid of Rihanna, which is why she wasn’t there.
Sean: I think Rihanna’s waiting to make an insane T.V. event comeback, which will be great.
Ryan: Yeah, I hope so. Trent Reznor should produce her album.
Sean: Watching this MJ tribute again, it’s just as lackluster as anything BET did.
Ryan: Timberlake couldn’t be bothered to plug his fashion line? Come on.
Ryan: What happened to the Vanguard award, btw?
Ryan: That was usually a pretty good look. Spike, Hype, etc.
Sean: Where is: Usher, Whitney Houston, Wayne, etc.?
Ryan: Drake is rehabbing?
Sean: Seems like a great place to end! Drake, we love you!