The Week of New York’s Free Nicotine Fix: Reasons to Sign Up That Don’t Involve Quitting Smoking

Do you smoke? Doesn’t matter. You should register for New York City’s free patch and gum program going on for the next two weeks. Not because you’re going to quit — because, let’s face it: you won’t — but because it’s there for the taking. To be clear:

Resale value. Quitting smoking is expensive. Even if you go Cold Turkey, you’re gonna go kinda crazy, and probably spend money on something else. But let’s say someone (not you, because you’re not a sap) is trying to quit smoking. They can buy it at retail, or they can get it from you on the cheap. And it’s not like you got it off the back of a truck or anything. You pay taxes. Take the PATH to Jersey City and hawk ’em out. Maybe even go to Hoboken as all the bars are emptying out, and sell ’em by the patch/piece.

Compensation effect. You pay taxes. You’ll have less of a problem paying taxes if you feel like you’re getting something for doing so, besides, you know, ass-raped by cops.

There’s a first for everything. Life’s too short not to experience a good nicotine buzz on the capital dime. Don’t be a pussy.

“Break in the Event of an Emergency” situations. Stuck subways, stuck elevators, steam pipes exploding, manholes exploding, etc. You live in New York, you’re presented every day with the possibility of situations testing your nerves and ability to resist sinking your fangs into the most malleable object within reach, like plywood, or someone’s pursedog. Now you won’t have to.

Added value. Ever slapped on a patch while drinking? It’s pretty great. Not having dreams quite as vivid and/or intense as you’d like? Turn the knob to nine and slap one on as you’re passing out. Break it off with two.

Convenience: You can’t smoke at your desk, and dip is for hicks. Keeping gum and patches at your desk saves you a trip downstairs.

Philosophical Cost: None. You’re gonna die, anyway.

Fiscal Cost: Come on. Shit. Is. Free. Who doesn’t like SWAG?

You’ve got from yesterday until Thursday, March 25. Stock up.