Things Not To Do On New Year’s Eve

Monday night will be here soon enough, so you’d better be prepared for the parade of landmines that you’ll have to avert if you want to survive into 2013.

Here’s what not to do:

*Don’t go to a restaurant. They will be packed, noisy, and suddenly charging twice what they used to, which was already too much. Don’t even go to those dumpy Chinese takeout places that have a “D” on the window. They’ll be overcrowded and price-gouging too. Just sit home and boil some noodles.

*After you’ve eaten, don’t go to a nightclub, by any means. They’ll be overcrowded and etc etc. What’s worse, they will be filled with drunk people determined to have a good time–which usually involves screaming, groping, and throwing up on the stroke of midnight.

*Speaking of the stroke of midnight, avoid it like I do. Lock yourself in the bathroom at around 11:55 PM to avert any possible displays of cheap sentiment or fake camaraderie from people you might not care about (or worse, from those you do). Come out only when it’s safe–say, around 12:40.

*If you feel the need to turn on the TV, avoid all New Year’s-related programming. Stay away from the acts promoting their latest CDs, the man-on-the-street interviews which seem a little too handpicked and rehearsed, and the dreaded countdown to nothingsville. If by chance you happen to click on the channel where the countdown is happening, run into the bathroom and lock the door!

*Don’t watch New Year’s Day. I hear that one makes you wish the Mayan calendar had come true. Instead, try to watch a good movie–like Groundhog Day, for example.

*Don’t feed into the whole thing at all. There’s no need to attempt an enforced good time just because it’s written into some mass schedule every year. Why not throw away the whole agenda and make your own plan? Maybe celebrate Valentine’s Day this Monday night just because you can!

And have a great New Year! Just be yourself!