Why I Never Go To High School or College Reunions

*First of all, I’m a terrible snob and feel I’m better than everyone else.

*Secondly, I figure if some of us wanted to keep in touch, we would have. I’m incredibly reachable, especially when you factor in Facebook, Twitter, and nightclubs. If my old classmates never bothered to take a nanosecond to congratulate me, check me out, or even argue with me all these years, why should I make an appearance for them to do so now?

*Also, I have zero desire to see someone who used to be hot suddenly looking like Pizza the Hut and bragging about his five ex-wives, 17 children, and three hairs. Let me hold on to my magical images of the past.

*I also dread the mind-numbingly boring question, “So, what’s new?”

In one day, I probably do and see more than most of these former cheerleaders have in their whole lives. Why should I take hours trying to sum it up for them when I can just send them a link — or better yet, just leave them clueless?

*But the main reason I don’t go is that they stopped inviting me!

Oh, well. At least they stopped asking for money, too.