You Aren’t Enjoying the Masters Enough: A Guide to Watching Golf on Television

It has recently come to my attention that some people don’t enjoy watching golf on television. “It’s boring,” adrenaline junkies say. “I need high-octane action to satiate my lust for thrills and chills.” Other sticklers complain about the mise en scène. “There’s too much green,” they yell from their elegantly appointed homes. “The composition is uniform and bland!”

To these killjoys: You’re doing it wrong. Golf is a great sport to watch on television–you just need to know what you are doing.

With the Masters in full swing (golf pun intended, you got a problem with it you can find me and fight me), there is no better time to go over the basics of watching golf.

Get into dad mode
Golf is for dads, so it is imperative that you watch it like a dad. This means that yes, you need to wear a belt and no, you don’t need socks. Shoes or slippers are required, however.

Also required:

• Operation of the remote must be performed with two hands at all times
• You must doze off at least three times throughout the day
• When promos for the night’s local news broadcast come on, it is essential you grunt your approval or disapproval of the story they are previewingPay just the right amount of attention
  If you watch golf like you watch basketball, you are in for a rough afternoon. There is not nearly enough action to require constant focus. Put it on and read a magazine. May we suggest Popular Mechanics? It’s a great publication that is perfect for dad mode.

  Eat a hoagie
  Hoagies are great for watching golf. Why don’t you make one yourself? Here’s a recipe:

  1. Get some good hoagie bread.
  2. Get a bunch of yummy hoagie supplies. Meats, cheeses, lettuce (if you’re into that stuff). Other things are acceptable too.
  3. Mayo? Yeah, put some mayo on that bad boy.
  4. Get a plate! You need something to put that hoagie on.
  5. Maybe some mustard, too. Go back to the kitchen and find the mustard (it’s probably in the fridge).
  6. Chips are a great side for hoagies. If you are feeling adventurous, throw some inside the hoagie.
  7. Eat that hoagie.

  Pick your “guy”
  Always have a “guy” you are “pulling for.” If he wins, you can triumphantly say, “All right, I knew my guy would pull it out!” If he loses, your guy is a bum and you can refer to him as such.

  Turn the sound way up
  Golf is the most beautiful-sounding game on earth. The harmonious chirping of bugs fluttering just off the fairway, the crisp “thwack” of an iron digging a golf ball out of the rough, the–aww, crap, is that Jim Nantz? Mute it and put Steely Dan on.

  Lull yourself to a comatose state, as close to death as you’ve ever been
  Go to the edge. Imagine yourself slipping from your humanly form. Your spirit should be all that remains. Now, lose that too. Feel the ether envelop and swallow your entire being. Fade, fade from the now. You are almost there.

  Great, now it’s time to enjoy some golf!