Your Guide to the 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos, Which Begins Tomorrow

The 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos begins tomorrow. There are over 100 performers booked for this event. They all lead up to one thing. . . the headlining onslaught of Insane Clown Posse.

There is already an entire Internet full of jokes here. You do not need me. Instead, let us simply consider the facts.

Logistics

• Tickets are still available online, this very second, and cost $150 for the weekend. If you purchase them on the Internet today, your only options are “Will Call” and “Next Day Air.”
• There is a special bulk rate: five for the price of four ($600).
• Tickets are also probably still available at the Midwestern Mall Hot Topics listed here.
• Please note: if your mom buys the ticket at the eleventh hour, she must put it under your name, not hers. As the Gathering’s official web site demands, “You MUST put it under the child’s name and they must have identification!” Unconfirmed assumption: junior-high school ID will suffice.
• The location is Cave-In-Rock, Illinois, a Midwestern state park approximately an hour from anything resembling real civilization, a setting that the official Gathering site helpfully notes, “has a history of violence as long as your tattooed arm! This area has been home to River Pirates, Smugglers, Counterfeiters, Ghosts, and some of the nation’s first Serial Killers!” I will quote this again, elsewhere.
• Cave-In-Rock is a three-hour-drive from Nashville. Should you choose to make the drive up North to this, the very last leg of the journey is the Cave-In-Rock Ferry, which looks like this on Google Street View:
  

  Entertainment

• The official Gathering of the Juggalos programming schedule begins everyday at 1pm and goes until six in the morning.
• The musical line-up includes Insane Clown Posse, Method Man and Redman, Naughty By Nature, Vanilla Ice, Coolio, Afroman, Lil’ Kim, Rob Base, Tone Loc, Sid of Slipknot, Slick Rick, Twiztid, Dark Lotus.
• Vanilla Ice will be performing, in the Freakshow Tent . . . at four in the morning.
• Friday night is Ladies Night a/k/a “Juggalette’s Revenge.” Highlights: Lil’ Kim and Tila Tequila.
• Lil’ Kim is playing. . . at 3:30 in the morning.
• Gallagher–yes, that Gallagher–will be telling jokes and smashing watermelons on Day Three, in the Seminar Tent. . . at three in the morning.
• Tom Green will perform “The Bum Bum Song”. . . between 2:30-3:30 in the morning.
• Somehow New York’s very own comedian/SNL writer Hannibal Burress, who just did Pitchfork Festival, is also scheduled to perform . . . at two in the morning.
  

  Other attractions

• The radio station covering the festivities, run by ICP’s label Psychopathic Records, is called WFuckOffRadio. (Call letters = WFKO).
• Helicopter rides are available for a fee, from 1pm to 6pm everyday.
• There is a Juggalo Karaoke Contest.
• There is an all-afternoon Juggalo Open Mic.
• There is a swimming hole. It has on at least one occasion been nicknamed “Lake Hepatitis.”
• Mosquito spray, batteries, the soft-drink Faygo will be sold on site.
• As will clown make-up.
• There is Ladies Oil Wrestling, “Half Pint brawlers” wrestling, Oddball Wrestling, and a Juggalo Championship Wrestling showcase called “Bloodymania 4.”
• Former WWF luminary Hacksaw Jim Duggan will be at the “Hanging With Heroes” episode of Flashlight Wrestling, which of course means, it’s . . . at four in the morning.
• There are autograph signings.
• And a wet T-shirt contest hosted by Ron Jeremy.
• And so, so much more. Gathering of the Juggalos Official Site (Juggalogathering.com)