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Before the New Pantheon: A Music Awards Show Timeline



Tom Vek– not a New Pantheon Award finalist

Remembering Past Independent Music Awards Ceremonies

By now you know about the Plug Awards and New Pantheon Awards and all the other indie-rock circle jerk awards ceremonies around filling the Shortlist gap– honoring artists who sell in the sub-500,000 copies range, often considerably less, an indie Grammys if you want to call it that.

All well/good, but over the years a lot of music awards shows have passed on, or in some cases didn’t even make it to the air. Today we take a few moments to remember our favorite failures:

The Guitar Face Awards. Show producers originally wanted to award indie rock guitarists for the special faces they employ when riffing. The show was quickly pulled though after they realized the only face indie rock guitarists do is the ‘scrunched-up with tongue slightly out’ face, which looked too much like Axl Rose’s anus. This is not a problem per se, but show producers were worried about interest and crowd draw; the GFAs would have aired the same night as the Axl Rose Anus Awards.

Bands’ Choice Awards. A show that’s truly for the people, bands would pick their favorite fans and honor them for their loyalty. Bands were excited, but show producers pulled the plans when Dave Matthews wanted to honor “all his fans, man,” and Sufjan Stevens wanted to honor the Holy Spirit.

Napster Cat Awards. Awards would have included Best Male Downloader, Best Download By Supporting Male Downloader, Most Creative Download, and a Lifetime Download Award given to the person who best exemplified the concept of download. Napster inventor Shawn Fanning, had planned to host the show dressed as the Napster Cat, pirate regalia, CD eyepatch and all, but had to back out when someone illegally downloaded the outfit from his closet.

Bouncer Awards. This was an awards ceremony sponsored by Riff Raff, honoring all the club bouncers who take all his shit but never get the props they deserve. Ulteriorly, this was a prank to get all the bouncers in the world into one room, lock them inside, then finally go into a bar without someone at the door calling my iPod nano “one of those fucking midget iPods.”

Tony Yayo Awards. One day when he was six or seven, rapper Tony Yayo looked under his bed. Hidden under a colony of spiders was a bucket hat, a/k/a the Tony Yayo Award for Musical Excellence. The awards show happened right there in his bedroom; it wasn’t televised, and it only happened once, but I’ve heard Yayo’s acceptance speech was quite tearful.

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