You already know that we’re all going to die of swine flu. But! Did you know that the World Health Organization — sponsored by the U.N., which patriots normally deride and ignore unless they need to be scared — has upgraded the pandemic threat level from 3 to 4? That means “sustained human to human transmission” has been reported; the next level will be “widespread human infection.” And the swine flu’s deadly cousin — the suspected swine flu — is also spreading: there’s a case of SSF in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, and it has been seen in Australia, causing “hysteria at fever pitch” and the retweet of the day: “Australians unsure how to deal with something they can’t fuck, drink, deport or barbecue.”
Speaking of Twitter, SteveTally heralds “the most 2009 headline of the year” — CNN’s “Swine flu creates controversy on Twitter.” “Swine flu outbreak tracked with Twitter,” adds MSNBC. Thus tweets like this — “Based on public response, everyone who sneezes on the subway obviously has swine flu” — become part of the wisdom of crowds, and help us all achieve our needed level of panic. Well, it’s healthy for the blog business, anyway.
Blame is assigned. Anti-abortion activists say swine flu is a plot to “push the Sebelius nomination through” Congress (Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius is Obama’s HHS Secretary nominee). Partisan fights break out: “GOP Know-Nothings Fought Pandemic Preparedness,” “Schumer opposed flu pandemic funding in stimulus, too, you morons,” etc. Michelle Malkin blames illegal Mexican immigrants: “9/11 didn’t convince the open-borders zealots to put down their race cards and confront reality. Maybe the threat of their sons or daughters contracting a deadly virus spread from south of the border to their Manhattan [?] prep schools will.” She may have a point — the epidemic has already caused Hollywood to delay the release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine in Mexico, which may indicate an Aztlan resistance plot to destroy our economy.
Congress does its part by calling for emergency swine flu hearings. Are you doing yours? Stay panic-stricken, citizen. The future of journalism depends on it.