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Happy Birthday, Rupert Murdoch! At the great old age of 79, the media baron’s going to have to be gifted well. Who knows how many he has left? It’s late in the day and you still haven’t gotten him anything, and you don’t know what to get him? Funny you should ask. We’ve got a few decent ideas, right this way:
1. Just a nice dinner with the family. That’s it! Really. That’s all he needs.
2. Full series order for Baby American Gladiators, to toughen and ready infant children to do battle with decrepit “teenagers” from past marriages.
3. Just a card.
4. To get away from this one-horse town.
5. An episode of Intervention for Col Allen.
6. Whoopie cushions for the viewing party. With Mort Zuckerman’s face on them.
7. A Party of Five reunion.
8. A cat named “Meow Jones.”
9. A box of Droopy Dog temporary tattoos.
10. A pretty yellow box.
11. A Chihuahua named “Slim.”
12. A Doberman to eat it.
13. A Sasquatch to eat the Doberman.
14. A New York Post reporter who can catch the Sasquatch eating the Doberman without calling it “Darkie.”
15. Actually kind of just wants “the Mexican” to go ahead and buy the New York Times.
16. A new beginning.
17. A Frisbee that doesn’t hurt his mouth so much. 🙁
18. A ball gag.
19. Someone to put a ball gag on Roger Ailes.
20. A rock of Unobtanium.
21. A way to smoke it.
22. A Na’vi dicktail.
23. A triple bypass.
24. A Zhu Zhu pet.
25. The collector’s edition of Licensed to Drive.
26. A poster of a comically overweight cat stretched out on the Sunday Styles that reads I CAN HAZ SULZBURGUR.
27 – 47. New teeth, individually gifted, set apart on a scavenger hunt in the backyard.
48. An advance copy of Tha Carter IV.
49. Commemorative Stack of Paper Speech Paper Stacks.
50. A mashup of that speech and the “Numa Numa” song.
51. A Gosselin child. Preferably Aaden.
52. A Brangelina child. Any one will do, really.
53. A series order for Celebrity Baby American Gladiators.
54. The Arrested Development movie, like yesterday.
55. The two hours he spent watching Precious returned to him.
56. A walk-on one-liner on Gossip Girl: “I’m Chuck Bass.”
57. An eight-ball and some Rush on vinyl and to be left the fuck alone.
58. A pet rock named Lil’ Rupe with googly eyes.
59. Simon Cowell’s hair plugs.
60. Randy Jackson’s ear plugs.
61. Ryan Seacrest’s “caboose” plugs.
62. Some kind of written and verified admission from Seth McFarlane that he just blatantly rips off The Simpsons because even he knows it’s like so true, right?
63. A live goldfish. To eat.
64. Tickets to Cats.
65. A train set that runs “on time.”
66. Pants for everyone at the New York Post. Even those gossip writers. Especially those gossip writers.
67. A vanity plate that spells “NEWZBRAH.”
68. This cane.
69. This inflatable bedpan chair.
70. An hour with kids so someone can show him how to “delete this goddamn MySpace thing.”
71. A comically oversize phallus-shaped gavel, so he can bang his dick on the table harder than you.
72. Salsa lessons.
73. Coffee, “and not the shit we serve here.”
74. Wants Jimmy and Gary to be friends, just for him, just while he’s there.
75. A night out with Michael Wolff so he can roofie him, draw balls on his head in permanent marker, take a picture with him giving a passed-out Wolff the thumbs up and then for someone to post it to “the MySpace”
76. This Opening Ceremony toothbrush.
77. Refurbished jowls.
78. A search engine with a paywall in front of it, behind which, every search result turns up the same thing.