Things That Could Ruin Your Day, But Won’t: Death by Asteroid


You know what asteroids and hemorrhoids have in common? Four letters at the end and the ability to severely fuck up one’s day. You should enjoy today knowing that you missed at least one of them.

Yes, it’s true. Juli Weiner at Vanity Fair astutely notes two articles by ABC News and CNN, the first informing us that an asteroid’s going to be cruising by the planet tonight around the time most happy hours have ended, 7:06 p.m. It’s 71-feet wide, and oh, don’t worry, because some scientist is like “this types of shit happens ev-ery-day.”

“Fly bys of near-Earth objects within the moon’s orbit occur every few weeks,” said Don Yeomans of NASA’s Near-Earth Object Office at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., in a statement.

Yes, because that’s the kind of thing that’s going to make everyone feel better. This kind of thing is routine, and oh, don’t worry, nothing could really go wrong in this scenario except a slight shift in solar winds (or whatever) and this rock the size of a house landing right on your face. Be cool, everyone. Which we could be if Weiner doesn’t point out a second 2003 CNN piece noting that in 2014, an asteroid that will basically smash everyone’s faces will stroll by the planet. Even though NASA noted later on that “2003 QQ47” (also going by: Grave Digger) as having a 1 in 250,000 chance of killing everything in existence on the planet, which are way better odds than you have of winning the lottery. So, what they’re saying is, there’s still a chance. There is still a chance. And Vanity Fair is right to think you might die soon. Possibly without getting into Monkey Bar.

As for hemorrhoids, something like 10M people suffer from them, which is 8M more than the French, according to this totally arbitrary inter-net web page. So chances are if you don’t have something craggy and scary coming after your ass, you have one on it, but less chance if you’re French, which is also kind of infuriating and terrifying.

And if you don’t have hemorrhoids or die today or in 2014, well, consider yourself lucky. It’s a beautiful day outside, and you’re not going to die, and you might not have something excruciatingly painful and just as embarrassing in a dark, dank, uncomfortable place. Perspective! People need it.