Al Gore Deemed “Crazed Sex Poodle” by Allegedly Manhandled Massage Therapist


Oh, National Enquirer. We knew exactly what to think of you (not much) until the day you broke the John Edwards love child story. (That was some good stuff!) And now, whenever you come out with the story of so-and-so’s affair or drug addiction or secret baby lair, we wonder: Could you be telling the truth, again? It’s something of the reverse of the boy who cried wolf with you.

Thus, while we don’t really believe that a horny, lummox-like Al Gore manhandled his 54-year-old massage therapist and made her listen to Pink in a hotel room one lonely night after lecturing on the environmental circuit back in 2006, we also have to give someone the credit for rendering it so…explicitly. And, what if he did?

The police report, by the way, is real, according to the D.A.’s office. The question is, is the story? Herewith, find the “highlights” of the night in question, which the Oregonian has very kindly constructed for us. If God is in the details, God is here.

  • The woman said she was called to the hotel about 10:30 p.m. Oct. 24, 2006, to provide a massage for Gore, who was registered under the name “Mr. Stone.”
  • Once inside his ninth-floor suite, she said he pushed her hand to his groin, fondled her buttocks and breasts, tongue-kissed her and threw her down on the bed as she tried to thwart his advances.
  • The woman told investigators that she informed two friends and kept the clothes she wore that night, including her black pants with stains on them.
  • Gore wrapped her in an “inescapable embrace” and fondled her back, buttocks and breasts as she was trying to break down her massage table.
  • She called him a “crazed sex poodle” and tried to distract him, pointing out a box of Moonstruck chocolates on a nearby table. He went for the chocolates and then offered her some, cornering her, fondling her and shoving his tongue in her mouth to french kiss as he pressed against her.
  • She said she was intimidated by his physical size, calling him “rotund,” described his “violent temper, dictatorial, commanding attitude” — what she termed a contrast from his “Mr. Smiley global-warming concern persona.”
  • Suddenly, she said, he “flipped me on my back, threw his whole body face down over a top me, pinning me down.” She said she loudly protested, “Get off me, you big lummox!”
  • Later, she said, he tried to lure her into the bedroom to hear pop star Pink’s “Dear Mr. President” on his iPod dock.

Wow. Just. Wow. If you want more, read the 2009 police report. (You’ll want to wash your hands afterward.)

Per the Portland Police Bureau’s statement yesterday, “The case was not investigated any further because detectives concluded there was insufficient evidence to support the allegations.” They’ve said they’ll reopen the case should new evidence come forward. Meanwhile, the massage therapist has been sighted “wearing a large floppy hat and sunglasses” accompanied by a young man carrying a bag. Hm.