There are two categories that one could reasonably break down all the possibilities of terror that come from living in New York City into: those that are man-made, and those that are forces of nature. And what’s more terrifying than waking up to one of those forces of nature poking its head of your kitchen drawer after pooing all over your counter?
Via FiPS, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Background: Someone wakes up. They write into a blog about what they see. What’d they see? It looked like someone had rummaged through their kitchen and robbed them. There were “silverware drawers out, silverware all over the floor along with oatmeal and other detritus.” But listen to this:
She thought we’d had a regular burglary until she spotted the raccoon head sticking out of the back of the silverware drawer.
Yes. You read that correctly. A raccoon. Or as FiPS puts it:
HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING PHONE!? Imagine walking into your kitchen in the morn to grab a bowl of cereal or some OJ and instead you see the DECAPITATED HEAD OF A RACCOON STICKING OUT OF YOUR SILVERWARE DRAWER!!?? ARE YOU PPL IMAGINING THIS SHIT??? WELL STOP IMAGINING B/C HERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!
And yes, here is that picture:
I don’t want to ruin this for you, as you should go to FiPS and read the rest of the post, where you will learn the theory behind what is going on in that picture, where the baby raccoon in this situation is — and yes, there is one — and well, I mean, that’s a kinda-decapitated raccoon. That is a kinda-decapitated raccoon. I’m not sure when the last time Park Slope was “officially” scary, but someone take note, a renaissance may be upon us.