Whenever these tunes get played, I hide under a rock for four minutes — actually, five, just for safety’s sake.
They are easily the seven worst songs in history.
(7) “Mr. Roboto” by Styx
I would have ranked this a little higher, but its sheer kitschy audacity, pulled off in a sort of nouveau Spinal Tap way, is mildly contagious, albeit in a please-don’t-play-that-thing-again-ever kind of way.
(Or if you prefer: chicken oreganato.)
(6) “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum
I don’t need this now — or ever. It’s a syrupy, overbaked casserole of faux longing that always sounds like a cocky-doo-doo Taylor Swift reject.
Hey, Lady — hush!
(5) “Little Willy” by Sweet
The Brit glam-rock band weighed in with this airy and incomprehensible ditty about a “little willy” that just won’t go home. Been there, but still, this song was just ludicrous! It’s even worse than “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero”!
(4) “Country of the Red, White, and Blue” by Toby Keith
I’ve never even heard this one — and hope I never have to — but still, can’t you just imagine?
(3) “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” by Wang Chung
I hate when a band’s name is mentioned in a song lyric, especially when the name has something to do with masturbation. It’s too, I don’t know, masturbatory. This creepy hit was a little bit better than the same group’s robotic “Dance Hall Days,” but on the other hand it was way worse, if you know what I mean. What a bunch of jerk-offs.
(2) “Sussudio” by Phil Collins
Musical garbaggio that in my mind could have been the theme song for the Third Reich, it was that insidious and evil. Audio has never been this hateful. Except for …
(1) “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin
This hard-to-listen-to easy-listening “classic” always makes me worry! And retch! And shake in hideous anticipation of every faux-calming syllable!
And the video! Yuck! I’m worried all right — that the song might play again! Make it stop!
Bobby McFerrin should be stopped at every airport for threatening democracy with his music!