Flushing’s own Action Bronson raps a lot about food. You know this already. We attempted to make a meal out of his words. Five courses in all. We’re still full.
So we asked ourselves: can you make an five-course gourmet meal using only foodstuffs rapped about by Bronson? The answer is: yes. And it involves so much butter, oil and animal fat, it would probably kill men from lesser cities. But this is New York (unofficial food slogan: “sack up and eat”). Let’s get to work.
To make an impactful start, go with roasted bone marrow on a toasted rosemary ciabatta. As Bronson says on “Tan Lines“:
Bone marrow roasted
Spread it on the rosemary bread, lightly toasted
Drizzle with the vinagrette
Stuffed dutches and it’s pulling like a cigarette
There’s a good recipe here. Opening a feast with bone marrow is the “in-your-face, lick-my-gooch” culinary gesture that says “we’re not doing any trippy Kendrick Lamar shit here, my friend. We’re here to eat like animals stripping a carcass.”
2. Salad course
Keep diners on their toes with a total switcheroo. Move from caveman marrow consumption to a vegan delicacy: dandelion green salad. These calcium-packed weeds pack an earthy, bitter flavor, and eating them often will make your colon so powerful it could choke out a cage fighter. Bronson advised as much in “Ron Simmons“:
Gypsy Salami cheese is from the cave
Wild dandelion greens dressed up on the plate
Parmesan crisp, we wildin’ in marea
Doing all the drugs off of Pico and LaBrea
Serve tossed with orange slices and a fig-infused balsamic vinagrette. Hell, use real figs if you want. Notice that figs kind of look like vaginas when you open them. Coincidentally, Bronson raps about vaginas a lot, much like 100% of rappers.
Staying with the previous rhyme, be sure tp serve some sweet Sicilian salami with a hard Italian cheese like Grana Padano (we bet Bronson hasn’t made a parmesan crisp since he quit the line, so don’t bother either). Throw down some “roasted peppers, sweet tomatoes, heirloom” as Bronnie raps on his Dr. Lecter album and you’re eating like the finest wiseguy. Coincidentally, Bronson raps about the mafia a lot, much like 100% of rappers.
A note on wine: liberally quaff a few bottles of Shiraz throughout the meal, preferably while listening to Bronson track “Shiraz.” Try a good Australian Shiraz from the Barossa region, for no other reason than a) it’s delicious and b) Barossa sounds a bit like Bronson when you’ve chinned two bottles.
For the win, it has to be this baller flavor profile mentioned on “Steve Wynn“:
Got the lamb racked, pan roasted, laced it with fennel
Little yogurt that be drizzled over might be a winner
Come and see me, angel hair laced the fettucini
Halla make the baklava getting paper cash gavel
It would be great to make a rack of lamb as the lyrics demand, but puny New York apartment ovens are rarely up the the task. Try this instead: lamb shoulder stewed in orange pieces, paired with braised fennel, served on angel hair pasta with drizzled yogurt. Damn. It’s got that Middle East citrus jab with a Mediterranean left hook. Here’s a great recipe to toy around with.
4. Pause for digestion, conversation, and the weed course
Perhaps a toke or two on some Sour Diesel will push this dinner over the lip of “great,” and into “mind-grindingly badass.” But really, you can smoke any decent kush you happen to have on hand. The Brons is not fancy about it. Feel free to get “all the fly ladies singing a song / It’s Bronson!!!” while tugging on your blunt, as the man himself demands on “Dance Song.”
This is tricky, since Bronson doesn’t really have a sweet tooth. His food raps dwell mainly on rich, savory foodstuffs. When he talks sweets, it’s all junk: marshmallows, M&M’s, etc.. But then there’s this gem from “Ronnie Coleman”:
Add the butter to the fudge to make the fudge realer
Every five minutes look in the fridges as if magic happened
Sneak a cookie, rip the bag, and fix the plastic wrapping
Use it for inspiration: close out the meal with a decadent comfort food: homemade cookie butter fudge crumbled over vanilla ice cream.
Naturally, this five-course feast should be served on a bed of warm beats provided by Bronson himself. There could be no more perfect pairing for in-meal tunes than his 2011’s mixtape Bon Appetit… Bitch!!!!!. And for further delving into the culinary mind of Bronson, check out his YouTube cooking show “Action in the Kitchen,” or enjoy this “best of” selection from his Instagram account, which delivers an excellent shot of food porn on the regular.