News & Politics

Eight Tips For A Highly Effective NYC Mayor (Besides Driving Everywhere)

Mayor de Blasio says his fleet of SUVs keep him “effective” — but he could be doing more

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Mayor Bill de Blasio is a busy man, too busy to use mass transit.

“My life and schedule are well known, and what it would do in that case is add a whole lot of time to moving around, and that’s not in the public’s interest,” de Blasio told reporters on Wednesday, in response to a question on why he favors his SUVs over the subway to travel to City Hall and the Park Slope YMCA from Gracie Mansion. “Every minute of my day has to be used effectively on behalf of the people, and that’s literally 7 days a week, 365 days a year.”

We agree that the mayor’s focus should be on governing and not life’s trivialities. New York needs a Decider, not a Rider. To that end, we have some additional proposals to maximize mayoral efficiency.

Use Eminent Domain To Move City Hall And The Park Slope YMCA Next To Gracie Mansion: This is a no-brainer. If people (reporters mostly, but we’ll get to them later) keep complaining that you waste time and money and belch toxic melted dinosaur fumes into the atmosphere traveling to your office and the gym in an SUV, bring the office and gym to you.

Wear Diapers: Mayor Bloomberg once suggested that efficient workers shouldn’t take too many bathroom breaks, but a trip to the stall still wastes precious minutes. Every bathroom break represents a key to the city the mayor could have given to a former Mets player for the purposes of a television pilot.

Keep Key Policy Briefings In A Three-Ring Binder: De Blasio is way ahead of the curve here. But the binders could be smaller, and thus more efficient.

Abolish Press Conferences: These time wasters sometimes last hours — for what? So a bunch of lonely people can feel big by nitpicking the Decider’s decisions? Only good can come from eliminating this flimsy layer between the mayor and his constituents.

Abolish The Press: Actually, why do we need these jerks anyway? Think about how much time you waste reading the news! If the public wants to know what’s happening in City Hall, they can check out the mayor’s Twitter feed, or the mayor’s press secretary’s Twitter feed, or the mayor’s Facebook feed, or better yet, the City Record.

Only Eat Food That Doesn’t Need To Be Chewed: An average human spends more than 32,000 hours over his lifetime eating. This is not an effective use of the mayor’s time! De Blasio should stick to yogurts, or the Three S’s: smoothies, slurries, and Soylent. But isn’t breaking bread an important part of politics? Not if you maximize efficiency by…

Declare Yourself Mayor-For-Life: Elections in New York City are notoriously inefficient — and that’s assuming anyone even shows up to vote (they don’t). The mayor has tried to fix this! Think about how much energy de Blasio would have if he didn’t need to fundraise, or host town halls, or do any of that time-wasting politician crap. He’d be a shining beam of pure Progressive decision-making, and he’d never catch another cold by shaking hands with some sniffly New Yorker. Which brings us to…

Never Leave Bed: This isn’t just sound policy (though it is), it’s comfy policy (French kings had their lit de justice, after all). What do we pay the cadre of aides and deputy mayors for, if not to rush to and from the Canopy Bed of Power holding official proclamations and decrees to move the levers of municipal government? Every New Yorker already lies in bed for hours, staring at his smartphone. This is an everyman move to maximize efficiency.

We hope the mayor adopts some of these suggestions — New York is counting on him, every second of every day.

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