Forget all this crap about Twitter being the new Tom Paine, revolution and evolution and all that hippie crap — it’s really about making microfortunes with the Twitter Traffic Machine! Here’s some dude named Gabe in a t-shirt and a frickin’ lei on the internet (signifier of wealth, not poverty! When a guy in a t-shirt isn’t sweating, that’s money!), hooking you up with a guy in a striped pullover (to show his relative seriousness). Striped pullover guy is Bill Crosby, who “spent thousands of hours on Twitter,” Gabe says, “he’s a goofball like that.” But this goofball has a goldmine: “I have figured out,” he tells us, “how to get 16,000 targeted followers in 90 days and make a bunch of money from it, all on auto-pilot.”
Sounds too good to be true, says Gabe, but Bill dispels this vague skepticism with a bold assertion: he’s earned $19,000 in “direct money” from Twitter, but really banks by sending his followers, aka “eyeballs,” to “affiliate links.” “At any given point I can drive 400 people to wherever I want to drive them,” he says modestly. But Bill, says Gabe, I don’t have time to spend on Twitter! That’s okay, too, because Bill has “tools” to glom followers for you. (We are told at first they are “free,” but are later informed they are “cheap.”) But Bill, says Gabe, I don’t have time to create “relationships” with followers! Relax; Bill has an “automated content factory” that makes your followers feel the love without any actually love expended.
Testimonials follow. “If you don’t get this and you’re using Twitter, you’re really missing out,” says some guy. “You’re gonna look back in a couple weeks, in a couple months and say, ‘why didn’t I get this right away?'” (The guy is wearing a button-down shirt, and is thereby qualified to dispense don’t-be-a-loser guilt trips.)
In the close, Bill offers you videos that teach you how to go make money — your $27 cheerfully returned if you’re dissatisfied and the authorities can find Bill. We’re glad rapacious capitalism has caught up with Twitter, which will soon make it as big a money-making bonanza as blogging.