10 Amazing Quotes From Coolio’s New Cookbook, Cookin’ with Coolio, Which, Yes, Really Exists


“[My mom’s] fried chicken would literally put on tennis shoes and run the fuck into your mouth.”

Semi-retired rapper Coolio just released a new cookbook, Cookin’ with Coolio, a hilarious guide to becoming what he’s deemed a “ghetto gourmet,” or at least, “a kitchen pimp.” Filled with recipes like “Tricked-out Westside Tilapia” and “Drunk-Ass Chicken,” the book won’t just introduce you to some delicious, budget-friendly recipes straight out of Compton, it’ll change the way you think, and perhaps more importantly, talk about cooking. Coolio and his A.C.P. — that’s Assistant Chef Pimp, Jarez, who’s also his cousin — embrace an old-school style of home cooking, but in a brand new language of faux-gangsta lingo. You may need to reference our supplementary glossary (“Ghettalian,” “Pimptry”) to cook anything, but just about anyone can enjoy this culinary wisdom, courtesy of Coolio, who we also interviewed here. Not bad for a guy whose last major appearance in the headlines was a crack-cocaine arrest last spring.

1. “I’m the ghetto Martha Stewart, the black Rachel Ray.”

2. “This dish ain’t just called Karate Meat because it’s got an Asian kick to it. It’s called Karate Meat because it will beat you up like a pigeon in prison.”

3. “Hell, when I was growing up, I could make a meal out of a package of Top Ramen and a bottle of Windex.”

4. “[My mom’s] fried chicken would literally put on tennis shoes and run the fuck into your mouth.”

5. “Everything I cook tastes better than yo’ momma’s nipples.”

6. “Leave the eggs to bathe for 15 minutes in the hot water like a sexy Swedish chick in a natural mineral sauna.”

7. On how to make an egg roll: “Roll it nice and tight like a blunt.”

8. “Having the right utensils is a good start, but then you gotta show them who’s the boss up in this bitch.”

9. “Seriously, if someone don’t like this appetizer, you gotta grab they scruffy ass by the back of their neck and throw them out on the lawn. I can’t help people like that.”

10. “Let me be perfectly clear. You ain’t cookin’ with fire. You ain’t cookin with heat. You’re cookin’ with Coolio, motherfucker!”

The first Webisode of Cookin’ With Coolio