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We all feel lonely now and again. Thankfully, in this modern age, there are ways to combat the loneliness — drinking excessively, crying on the phone to your mom that you’ll never find a good man, drinking excessively, cutting…
But all that can get tiresome after a while, and then even the chocolate and Yellowtail ceases to work. That’s when we’re glad that manufacturing is on our side, churning out Sad Things for Lonely People.
For our inaugural Sad Things for Lonely People, we bring you four sick innovative machine-made commodities that are helping us get through those long days and chilly nights when we just need a shoulder that in some small way resembles one which might be attached to a human to cry on.
1. The Girlfriend Pillow
Men, bicurious ladies, and ladies who’ve never trusted a man (not even a one-armed headless proximity of a man), meet the Girlfriend Pillow, a gift from our friends at Sears, who’ve been making Sad Things for Lonely People for as long as we can remember. We’ll let them explain [sic, throughout]:
Product description: Do your wife’s business trips make you unease at bed time? Perhaps the fact that you don’t have her around to shares your dreams makes it harder for you to fall sleep. This comfortable pillow recreates the comfort of having your beloved partner. Thinking about the fact of sleeping alone produce a isolated feeling, especially if you are used to have a soft and comfortable arm or maybe you are enjoy a better sleep when you locate your neck in your girlfriend or wife’s breast. This hug pillow has an extension that replicates the soft arm of your partner and also adds a breast-like sensation on the pillow, giving all the contour of your love one.
Patented “breast-like sensation” technology, pleasing pinks and yellows, and a torso that really understands you? It’s a bargain at twice the ($9.95) price.
2. The Boyfriend Arm Pillow
Now, ladies, don’t go getting jealous. The Boyfriend Arm Pillow is made ‘specially for those of you who like men but find the live ones disappointing, and/or for Army wives/Wall Street widows.
This fun and cozy snuggle pillow is great for people whose partner is away on military leave or work absence. Singles who wants to feel the touch of a man without actually having to have one love it too. This novelty pillow makes a great gift for a friend or relative with a good sense of humor that would love to have a little more cuddling at night. You will love how this boyfriend arm pillow is so soft and warm, and the way that he wraps around you and holds you all through the night with out saying a word. It is as if he knows exactly what you want.
Conveniently, the Boyfriend Pillow comes complete with an alarm clock which gently shakes the arm when it’s time to get up, something your live boyfriend never had the generosity of spirit to do. An open-minded Amazon reviewer gives kudos:
“Why the Boyfriend Pillow is wearing a button-down dress shirt to bed is beyond me, but I can’t complain. With a little imagination, and a splash of perfume, we lonely men can close our eyes and pretend that the pillow is actually a woman wearing one of our favorite dress shirts.”
It’s $29.95 with half-shirt, $32.99 nude with assembly required. I know which one I’d pick.
3. The Girlfriend Lap Pillow
A bit more scandalous, maybe, but for those of us who would rather not have to view the faux-arm and upper body of a woman and instead prefer to be comforted on her silent, no-back-talk lap, we have the Lady Leg Pillow.
The incredible success of the boyfriend arm pillow has spawned what the Japanese manufacturers are hoping will be the male equivalent — the girlfriend lap pillow. Unlike the boyfriend arm pillow which has a heartbeat [yikes!] and is soft and snugly, the girlfriend lap pillow comes with realistic-to-the-touch legs and a tight short polyester skirt in your choice of black or red.
Girlfriend or not, she’s a classy (and expensive, at $134 and up) gal you’ll want to be seen around town with.
4. The Saddest, Loneliest Pillow
Finally, there’s the pillow-pillow — nearly human-sized and decorated with a teenage bikini-clad video game character — that you just so happen to be in love with. (Not for sale.)
Per the New York Times:
Nisan knows she’s not real, but that hasn’t stopped him from loving her just the same. “Of course she’s my girlfriend,” he said, widening his eyes as if shocked by the question. “I have real feelings for her.”
And that’s totally fine.
See something sad and lonely? Send us your Sad Things for Lonely People tips! If we’re sufficiently saddened, we may write about them.