Each Thursday your Crap Archivist has brought you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap discovered in the thrift stores, estate sales, and antique malls of America.
Today, as we reflect on this nation and its great bounty, let’s tip our gravy boats to the one industry that can never be outsourced: our tireless production of the useless, the senseless, and the utterly crappy.
So here’s ten slices to be thankful for, straight from the first two and a half years of Crap Archiving.
1. Mrs. Rush H. Limbaugh’s “Under the Sea Salad,” as seen in the 1977 community cookbook Recipes from old Cape Girardeau.
One of the most significant finds in the Crap Archives, this trembling nightmare of luminescent puke looks like Nickelodeon slime, tastes like salty-sweet mouth-death, and almost manages to do the impossible: inspire sympathy for ol’ Rush Limbaugh, Jr., huckster clod of the A.M. airwaves.
Other Limbaugh recipes in the book included something called “5ive Threes” and the wonderfully descriptive “White Fruit Cake.” But it’s the Under the Sea Salad that captured the world’s imagination.
After I whipped up and taste-tested this tragesty, a Swedish newspaper ran this:
Translation: “Here we have a Under the Sea Salad of Jell-o, cream cheese and black olives. The creature in the top of the picture is Limbaugh, just before he ate the pie, and turned into a 2 meter tall baby.” Nice work, USA-Bloggen!
2. The second-ever Study in Crap, from way back in ’08, remains one of the most enduring. In 1968’s How to be Happy Though Married, Tim LaHaye — the creator of Left Behind — pointed out that women over 22 are past the child-bearing age, crabbed about how bad vaginas smell, and ran several illustrations of the male sex organ.
Some of these he labeled.
And some he didn’t.
It was Crap-production of this caliber that led to the induction of two additional LaHaye books into the Crap archives. And there’s more where that came from! Like a baby crammed with wheat germ, LaHaye just can’t stop producing!
3. Since he’s a decent enough fellow, your Crap Archivist avoids making fun of most self-published books: most are just simply, un-revealingly bad, and picking on them feels dirty and cruel and low and unfunny.
Once in a while, though, we luck into a Dangerous Dana or a SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP, works of singular strangeness.
Best of all is McCallister Ransom’s Fuzzy Mules, Pink Slippers Volume One: Came A Clown.
A brick-thick novel of Joycean ambition, Fuzzy Mules purports to tell the story of Faffo the Clown’s quest to steal her baby back from a mad and corrupt society. But it’s really about word-bursts like this one, which celebrates the moment when Faffo finishes putting on her make up:
“It was, Was, WAs, WAS, PRESTO! FAFFO THE CLOWN! Yeaaa! Voila! Voila Voodoo! Walla! Yea! Walla Walla! Voila Walla! Voila Faffo! Vive la Faffo! Wall of Voodoo, bro. Yea yea yeaa! Wall of Voodoo! Walla Voodoo! Who do? You do. Hindoo him do what him do!”
“All Ryan had, whimper, whimper, whimper, was his God damned stinking name. Ryan and his name! His honor! His dinky fist and his name. We fornicate in the cream of his name! We shit on his name! Ryan! Hey! Over here’s your name! Here! Here!”
You can fornicate in the cream of many more Fuzzy Mules quotes here.
NEXT: Ronald Reagan, socialist; how to maximize your reproductive potential; and coloring-book fun with Rambo!
4. Many weeks, your Crap Archivist just makes a bunch of silly/dirty jokes about some silly/dirty pictures. Sometimes, he makes with some full-on essay-writing, especially when the craziness of a find helps illustrate the craziness of today.
One such case: the 1976 screed The Counterfeit Candidate, in which conservative Californian Kent H. Steffgen accuses Ronald Reagan of supporting “legalized abortion, forced school bussing, women’s lib, sex education in the schools, freeing of the criminal, overtaxation, doubled spending, socialized medicine, economic strangulation, land-use control” and so much more.
Steffgen also calls Reagan “an impostor,” a “hopeless incompetent,” “a practicing socialist” and “the smoothest salesman socialism ever had.”
For good measure, he adds:
“New York is on its way down for real. It is never coming back; repeat, never. It will either end up a ward of the public government or in a state of anarchy, one or the other.”
See, the past is funny, ha ha, and this dick talked about Reagan the same way some people talk about Obama, ha ha, and THE POINT IS AMERICA MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP BELIEVING OVERHEATED POISONOUS CRAP FROM PEOPLE WHOSE JOB IT IS TO SPEW OVERHEATED POISONOUS CRAP.
Harvard-trained evolutionary biologist Joseph L. Popp is credited with unleashing one of the world’s first computer viruses. In 1989 he crafted a program that, when executed, would seize control of a computer’s data; he copied this onto 20,000 diskettes and sent them to AIDs research organizations around the world.
He also opened a butterfly sanctuary and wrote Popular Evolution, a self-help book designed to help you “maximize your reproductive potential.”
Popp argued that nothing in life mattered but reproduction. To this end, he suggests that the best life is one stripped of everything unrelated. He writes:
“See that your children get a good eighth grade education . . . Avoid smoking tobacco unless you are a teenager who would otherwise not be having sexual intercourse . . . Individuals should not use any form of contraception . . . Keep no pets. Have another child or help a relative have another child instead.”
“Euthanasia may be justifiable under carefully controlled circumstances for those in the final stages of a terminal disease and who are unable to reproduce or to be of assistance to others.”
6. Of course, it’s also fun to make fun of bad coloring books. Like this one, starring America’s number-one baby-sitter, Rambo.
Here, Rambo and his jack o’ lantern nipples make a forest friend.
JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIES.
And here’s the laziest dot-to-dot in history.
Touchingly, the woman credited with drawing the Rambo coloring book took to the SiC comment thread to assure us all that she just inked the godawful thing.
Next: Grow your boobs with ESP; hot men’s adventure action with Killinger!; and Bill O’Reilly’s freaky sex talk!
All you need to know about the train-your-brain swindle Natural Bust Enlargement With Total Mind Power comes in the title.
But here’s some amazing quotes anyway!
“If for some reason you are not able to imagine the blood supply to your breasts, you can imagine that your breasts are being nourished by colorful tubes which have valves for controlling the amount of nutrients necessary for the various cellular components of your breasts.”
“You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect you breasts can be.”
“The taste and redness of the apple reminds you of the red hormones which stimulate the fat and glandular cells of your breasts.”
8. Honestly, if the only thing I accomplish in this life is showing you the cover of P.K. Palmer’s 1974 crapsterpiece Killinger!, I will still deserve buildings named after me.
Or at least a free beer once in a while.
As I wrote in ’09, “Lord, where to start? With ‘He’s ruggedly virile, he’s karate-quick’? With the fact that he likes his ladies not just topless but nippleless, too? With the tiny frogman who services his metal manhood?”
Anyway, of the many amazing Killinger quotes, here’s the three choicest:
“Killinger turned to face her. There was a definite interruption in the pattern of his white shorts.”
“Killinger feinted with the start of a kinkeri, a genital knee-kick designed to castrate without use of a knife.”
“Killinger had made an oil and vinegar dressing with a touch of dill.”
Speaking of dopey masculine nonsense, here’s some of the dirtiest bits of professional angry person Bill O’Reilly’s 1998 suspense novel Those Who Trespass, read by the author.
To be fair, these are taken out of context. To be even fairer, the context only makes them even more upsetting.
Here’s O’Reilly saying . . .
“I wish I were a lesbian.”
“Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds.”
“Off with those pants.”
Next: Your Crap Archivist’s most favorite Crap find of them all!
All those O’Reilly quotes (as well as many more) hail from what is far-and-away the most popular Studies in Crap post. Runners up for that title:
But here’s the exemplar of American crappiness!
Whenever the trials and compromises of this life start to tear you down, remember: at least you’re not writing a letter to E.T.
Here’s some of what actual people wrote to not-at-all actual E.T.:
“I am a 13 year old boy who used to be closed off to the world. I didn’t care about grades, I just didn’t care that much about life. About the only things I did care about was God, Drawing, and if my D&D character could get passed 3rd level.”
This last one is packed with lies.
That’s ten, America! Thanks for putting up with a clip show!
As a token of gratitude, here’s one brand new piece of astounding thrift-store Crap:
E.T. licking a bloody finger . . . a tantalizing glimpse of what we might have seen if Spielberg had turned the project over to Cronenberg or Bertolucci.
More:Studies in Crap