Holy Scarface! Five Columbia University students/fratboys were busted this week for selling all kinds of crazy drugs at school. Ivy League? More like High-vy League. Luckily, via Columbia’s BWOG, understanding the numbers of the busts also gives us a chance to understand how much drugs cost at Columbia! It goes without saying, but The Village Voice, Village Voice Media, and Runnin’ Scared do not endorse the illegal use or purchase of drugs, and no drugs were
harmed purchased or used in the making of this blog post. So, how much does cocaine cost at Columbia University? [UPDATED!]
The Bust: 40 Grams for $1,100.
ChiChi! Ju gaht de yayo? Undercover cops were sold 40 grams of blowcaine for $1,100, which comes out to $27.50 a gram. But coke dealers probably aren’t carrying change — unless these guys wanted to get caught that badly — and were more likely to be paid for their product in “flat numbers.” If that’s indeed the case, buyers could have paid $30 for 1.1 grams of Uncle Charlie (because 0.1 grams of coke costs $2.50), but if that were the case for all the coke purchased, at $1,100, the dealers would be left with 3.4 grams of coke.
It probably wasn’t, because smart buyers, rich buyers, or people who know a good deal when they see one know that the more of something you buy, the less it costs. This brings us to The Noble Eight Ball (i.e. one-eighth of an ounce, or 3.5 grams) of Cocaine Sales. An 8-Ball — the more upscale cocaine consumer’s purchasing unit-of-choice — usually goes for $50 if your drugs are really shitty (think: cut with Ritalin), $75 if they’re just meh, and $100 or more if they’re straight out of Pablo Escobar Jr.’s asshole. If we’re to use the division of by-the-gram cost of the coke, the pricing scale of an 8-Ball would be:
The most likely scenario? A fixed price of $100 for about 3.63 grams, a sales rates which would equal $1101.92. They probably gave hot girls and TAs a little more, and freshmen and “Barnard Bitches” a little less. Seeing as how the average 8-Ball is by definition 3.5 grams, you’re actually getting a decent deal up there. Unless the coke is shitty, but I sincerely doubt they sell shitty coke to Columbia students. New School kids, on the other hand, will probably take whatever they can get their hands on.
Street Price: $100 for a “heavy” 8-Ball.
Value: Generally decent, better if you’re an attractive woman and/or an asset to better grades.
Songs They Probably Should Have Sold Drugs to But Didn’t: Get that mirror off the wall! Time to spin Clapton’s “Cocaine” (obviously) and the first song from Blow, which is a coke-jam if there ever was one:
Remember, kids: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
UPDATE 1. A reader writes in:
You sure about these numbers? Is this in pesos? Also, if those numbers are right, can I please have the number of your dealer? NOW? $200 if you know someone and it would be of medium-upper quality. Otherwise, the masses pay like $60-70 a gram of what’s considered good although it’s still not the raw.
We wouldn’t know. That said, our equation still works but clearly only for mediocre-at-best cocaine. If our reader is correct, and the rate of $200/8-Ball or $70/gram is indeed the going rate, with good-quality cocaine the dealers would have pocketed around $2,285.71 (116 percent more than what was reported) or $2,800 (163 percent more than what was reported), respectively.
Street Price: $60-$70 for a gram and $200 for an 8-Ball of decent blow.
Value: Either astronomical (which, given the results of the marijuana mathematics in play at Columbia, is a possibility) or standard for incredibly mediocre blow.
Likely results: They’re fratboys at Columbia. Either it was shitty blow or, more likely, they probably did a grip of it themselves and sold at typical-to-high price points to make up for what they put up their schnozzles.