Lindsay Lohan Joining Scientology? How Could it Hurt?

According to Yahoo’s “Xtra Entertainment,” the National Enquirer talked to John Travolta, who said he got a promise from train-wreck celebrity Lindsay Lohan that she would begin Scientology training.

[I tried to find the Enquirer piece to give them a link, but couldn’t. Have you seen their website? What a nightmare.]

Travolta and Lohan have been cast in the upcoming movie “Gotti: Three Generations,” but producers are wary of Lohan’s myriad problems and yanked her from a role as John Gotti’s daughter to a less important part.

According to Yahoo, Travolta told producers he would take Lohan “under his wing” to keep her on the “straight and narrow.” Even though she’s been demoted, Travolta said, she had promised him that she would still begin Scientology training.

This simply can’t end badly.

We’re actually thrilled to hear that the drug-addled moron is going to start learning how to hold soup cans to eliminate the traumas of past lives from her “reactive mind.” (Hell, how much worse could her past lives be than her current one?)

But the best thing about Lohan joining Scientology may just be how it indirectly helps her with her substance abuse problems. As a canny commenter at Yahoo pointed out, “at least she won’t have enough money to buy drugs…after the Scientology cult takes it all!”

Couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

Tony Ortega is the editor-in-chief of The Village Voice. Since 1995, he’s been writing about Scientology at several publications. Among his other stories about L. Ron Hubbard’s organization:

The Larry Wollersheim Saga — Scientology Finally Pays For Its Fraud
The Tory Bezazian (Christman) Story — How the Internet Saved A Scientologist From Herself
The Jason Beghe Defection — A Scientology Celebrity Goes Rogue
The Paul Haggis Ultimatum — The ‘Crash’ Director Tells Scientology to Shove It
The Marc Headley Escape — ‘Tom Cruise Told Me to Talk to a Bottle’
The Jefferson Hawkins Stipulation — Scientology’s former PR genius comes clean
The Daniel Montalvo Double-Cross — Scientology lures a young defector into a trap
A Church Myth Debunked — Scientology and Proposition 8
Daniel Montalvo Strikes Back — Scientology Hit with Stunning Child-Labor Lawsuits
When Scientologists Attack — The Marty Rathbun Intimidation
A Scientologist Excommunicated — The Michael Fairman SP Declaration