Oh, Monday. Back to the grind of the workweek. No more sleeping until noon. No more afternoons of leisure. And no more brunch. While this might be cause for most city dwellers to be bummed out, this is something I am pretty stoked about. Why? Because brunch sucks.
Reason #1. It’s ridiculously overpriced. Now don’t get me wrong, I like the food served at most brunches. Eggs Benedict, waffles, hash browns — all quality food that is even tastier when you wake up at 1 p.m. in a hangover fog. But how do you justify a meal of coffee, eggs, toast, and bacon that costs $15, when you could go to the store and buy a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, a package of bacon, and a coffee for still less than that and feed a family of four? And it’s not like other people’s scrambled eggs taste significantly better than yours!
Reason #2. Midday drinking is a bust. Somehow all brunches turn into boozy brunches, which means the rest of the day is essentially shot because who doesn’t need a nap after five mimosas? Then you wake up at 5 p.m. and your Sunday is over before it ever began. And, hello, there’s a word for someone who thinks it’s OK to imbibe five drinks at 11 a.m. — alcoholic.
Reason #3. Who waits an hour and a half for scrambled eggs? You can rarely reserve tables for brunch, and waiting an hour for a table isn’t seen as ridiculous. HELLO? Who waits an hour for eggs over-easy? Mayyyybe if you’re getting some sort of fancy-pants brunch, but even then, an hour is questionable. Yet people do it every weekend!
Reason #4. Why not just call it Gymboree? When did it become OK for parents to down Bloody Marys while their kids run around the restaurant? Brunch isn’t playtime. Sorry you’re trying to relive your days of freedom when you were cool and didn’t have toddlers in the mix, but now you do. Learn how to control them.
Reason #5. The sweet/savory dilemma is a pain and makes you fat. Who hasn’t encountered the eternal problem of should-I get-something-sweet-or-savory-to-eat-at-brunch. No matter what I order, jealousy always seizes me when someone else’s pancakes are placed on the table and I got the omelet. So now I want both savory and sweet. Which just leads to making me gut-punched by the end of the meal, plus feeling like a sucker for getting two entrées.