Did you know there was once a time when products were just products? Of course, now products are powerful things that decide your gender for you. Why else would companies spend so much of their time making “Men’s” versions of even their most basic items? For the chance to sell twice as many of them by preying on the insecurities of men raised in a culture that trumpets superficially masculine constructs as shields against perceived weaknesses which are themselves the products of discriminatory gender-bias?
Oh, that’s probably it.
To demonstrate this remarkably stupid aspect of our adorable society, we’ve found the 8 most ridiculous products marketed for men.
The Man Hanger
Why buy a $25 rebar clothes hanger? Because where else would you hang your “I’m a Secure, Confident Man” T-shirt?
The best part is, when you are done hanging clothes, you can straighten the hanger with your bare hands and pour concrete over it to construct a monument to your manhood. Make it really big so people know how manly you are–you did buy The Man Hanger, after all.
Dr. Pepper Ten
It’s entirely possible that Dr. Pepper Ten’s oft-mocked slogan, “It’s Not for Women,” was forced upon them by the FDA. Are we to assume that one sip of this sugary sludge will make women’s ovaries explode from their abdomens like erumpent comets of sinew?
Let’s just say we’ve never seen it explicitly rebutted by Dr. Pepper or the FDA.
Axe Shower Gel
Axe has been the champion of pointless product gendering for years. Their deodorants and body washes have names like “Cool Metal,” “Sports Blast,” and “Anarchy.”
The best part? They all smell like watermelon. Even “Anarchy.”
Axe Shower Tool
As if manly soap wasn’t enough, Axe sells a masculine loofah. What separates this from a normal loofah? Rubber casing that looks like a tire and the fact that it’s called a “Shower Detailer Tool.”
If you haven’t figured it out yet, Axe thinks you’re stupid.
Click on the above link, the one that says “man candles.” Go ahead, we’ll wait.
Fantastic, now Amazon thinks you’re the kind of consumer who is interested in buying BBQ- and fart-scented candles. Enjoy their recommendations for “poop-shaped bath soap” and “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer.”
You know, “man” stuff.
You’re a man and you have a dilemma: Your house is dirty. You could A) Let your filthy house fester until it becomes a breeding ground for maggots and roaches that will eventually chew the skin off your face as you sleep on a pile of garbage, or B) Go to the store and purchase cleaning supplies.
For years, option A was the only way to go for us Y-Chromosome warriors. That was until these cleaning products for men were made. Now we have faces, complete with beards and strong jaws.
Thanks, cleaning supplies.
This is the first sentence of the first paragraph of Powerful Yogurt’s “Who We Are” section from their website:
From the time of the Greeks, abs have represented dedication, strength, power, and success.
Yes, abs — that’s what the Greeks are known for. Democracy too, but that’s for pussies. Buy our Greek yogurt made with protein you’re just going to shit out anyway.
Lip Balm for Men
True story: I once saw a man use Chapstick. His son–a handsome boy–watched as his dad applied the balm. As he spread it on his lips, his son’s face turned cold and gray.
“Dad?” he cried, “What are you doing?”
“There won’t be any more catch in the backyard, son,” the father said, his voice high and shrill, “I decided to use Chapstick and now I am no longer a strong male role model. Also, I sold the riding mower.”