Like every recreational activity, drinking has its share of snobs, slobs, and Average Joes. But one demographic the act of socially swallowing alcohol has in spades? Assholes. Hell, drinking practically turns people into them. So what can you, the putty-like, doe-eyed imbiber do to avoid becoming an anus personified? Heed our words and proceed with caution. Some beverages just seem to attract assholes. Hopefully you’re not one of them.
5. Craft beer or booze in places where they shouldn’t be found
The craft movement is wonderful, and craft beers and distilled spirits are wonderful stuff, but please, check your surroundings. As lovers of food and drink, it’s easy to get caught up in the exclusivity that comes into play with coveted products and ingredients. Still, that’s no excuse for getting hand-tailored undergarments in a bundle. The person who asks for obscure brews at a rundown tavern is just as bad as the cocktail enthusiast who asks for five kid-size Sprites and two Ramos Gin Fizzes at Chuck E. Cheese. It’s fine to insist on drinking only the most-rarefied libations, but don’t throw a tantrum or, God forbid, post a bad Yelp review just because that Polish restaurant hasn’t heard of cask ale.
4. Any novelty shot of any kind, unless it contains Jell-O
Blowjobs, slippery nipples … you are one risqué motherfucker. If you’re out of college and asking for fanciful shots that would typically be scrawled on a sorority house chalkboard wall under a sparkly banner that reads, “Drinkin’ With My Bitches!”, take a long look in the mirror and then walk yourself straight into the ocean. Novelty shots are for people who’ve spent more than one reflective afternoon in amusement park jail. Jell-O shots get a pass because they’re fun, customizable, and Bill Cosby says the darnedest things.
A drink drank by raging boners to fuel their raging boners (and girl boners), the vodka/RedBull is the spirits industry’s speedball–a catastrophic mix of stimulant and depressant. Ordering one signifies to the people around you that you have run out of fucks to give. Your night is over even if it’s only just begun.
2. Flavored vodka
If your vodka tastes like anything except excessively filtered distillate, pour it down the drain or save it for when you have to disinfect wounds during the zombie apocalypse. Cake, bubblegum, whipped cream, caramel … is it any wonder that these splendiferous elixirs come in flavors that sound better suited for children? If you go out of your way to order this swill in public, you deserve a time-out. The U.K.’s Chase Distillery and its oak-smoked vodka is a rare exception to the rule.
1. White wine with ice cubes
I once watched a man enter a top-tier sushi restaurant while talking on his cell phone. He sat down at the last seat at the crowded sushi bar, ordered his meal, and then asked for a glass of white wine with ice–all while carrying on the same conversation. He continued this way throughout the entirety of his meal, the phone still at his skull as he opened the front door to leave. Completely oblivious to his own boorishness, he all but ruined the meals of everyone around him. And that was the night I saw King Asshole. Remember kids, the only time ice and wine belong together is in sangria, a glass of Lillet on a hot summer’s day, or in wine-based cocktails.