Big Energy Tube Thing “Smashes” Record, Sounds Terrifying, Still Totally Misunderstood

Everyone blogs about this thing like it matters but it’s not like you have any idea what the Large Hadron Collider actually does.

So, I guess this thing created two beams of protons, “each with an energy of 3.5 trillion electron volts,” which beats the previous record by, like, one trillion volts, I guess. But it’s like, what are they going to do with this thing? When are they going to fire those volts at someone? What are those volts going to do when fired at someone? Anyway, basically it’s like now, because they don’t have anything else to do with it, they’re going to smash the two proton beams together, and hopefully not make a black hole that’s going to kill us all and die. Oh yeah, and just so you know, they didn’t get this thing off the sales rack at Barney’s:

“We must not lose sight of the fact that the LHC is new, and it wasn’t bought off the shelf,” he wrote.

Whatever. Call me when this thing starts to actually answer the most basic, fundamental questions about the physical and magnetic properties of the universe that humans have been asking themselves in some variation since the beginning of civilization, these questions that that this is helping us get closer and closer to answering. Or when it toasts my bagel without burning the seeds.