Happy Mother’s Day: Now Whip Out a Boob

Jenny McCarthy, who isn’t even remotely famous anymore, has published two books about pregnancy and motherhood. Having a baby is officially trendier than getting a dog. Gwyneth is still glowing and overflowing; Angelina is a living saint—despite all—and Kate Hudson lost those 75 pounds in approximately five minutes. Sunday is Mother’s Day, and, even more significantly, spring is baby season. Expecting moms start flaunting the belly, and all the hot dads are in Fort Greene Park, appearing perfect.

But how does a regular woman—with no staff of Hollywood nannies, makeup artists, or personal trainers—pull off this mommy trend? They have to schlep around a gigantic bag of equipment and drag a stroller up and down subway steps, and they don’t get to sleep, go to the movies, smoke pot, or have sex. How would you look?

This Mother’s Day, help your friend out. You know, the trendy one who had a baby and now can’t believe there’s milk-barf on all her clothes. She’s on the verge of throwing in the towel and wearing her yoga outfit all the time. The reality is that you can’t push a stroller wearing heels, you can’t pull off a “hairdo” when you’re breast-feeding, and you can’t wear clingy tops for about a year after giving birth. But she can still look hot.

Here’s what to get your struggling friend:

For her aching, but stylish feet, Birkenstock’s Madrid sandles are a major improvement on the camp-counselor style, with two big straps, but just as comfortable. These have one not-too-thick strap, which tapers in the center. Find them in various colors at David Z for $100.

Since breastfeeding is not only good for baby, but an extremely trendy public act, get her a bra that will show off her temporary cleavage and make it easy to whip out the boob in restaurants. Most bras designed to make breastfeeding easy are extremely industrial and not sexy. But the Victoria’s Secret Body by Victoria stretch cotton bra ($28) plunges deeply in the middle, enabling easy boob extraction, without the dumpy and sweat-inducing coverage, and has wide straps to help support the milk jugs.

Assuming she hasn’t quite worked off her love handles, help your pal go Hippie with a longer top that is still fitted and has a deep V-neck. Forgo the Old Navy version of a tunic and pick up the real thing at a Tibetan boutique such as Do Kham for $30 (embroidered cotton) to $95 (sequined silk).

To hide tired eyes like Gwyneth does, aviators have never gone out of style. Pick up some classic-looking shades without dropping three hundred bucks. Century 21 has Blumarine’s version for $39.

Of course, the best present would be baby-sitting while she goes on a date with whoever did this to her.