If I Had a Kickstarter Campaign…

Everyone on earth has a kickstarter campaign these days, whether to finance their documentary about the mating rituals of moths, their Broadway musical of The Miracle Worker, or their cancer treatments. (True story. We love you, Karen Black)

But what would you ask people to help launch into the culture?

I’ve thought about it and decided that if I had to do this kind of begging in public, I’d want to urge folks to finance the following projects:

*A musical version of The Miracle Worker. Yep, I went there. I’d call it Annie–named after Annie Sullivan–in hopes that people would think it’s the other Annie show, the one people want tickets to.

*A sequel to the cult classic Beyond The Valley of the Dolls called Beyond The Beyond The Valley of the Dolls. It would be beyond!

*An animated musical film called Katz, about a deli with an all-feline array of employees and customers.

*A New Year’s Day-style ensemble romcom called Pentecost Sunday. Imagine the excitement! Well, maybe not.

*A biopic of myself starring Kristen Stewart as the young me and Lainie Kazan a few years down the road.

*Exploits of a sex-crazed gay who seeks anonymous encounters, objectifies people, and describes it with vile language, but then meets a boyfriend during a hookup and becomes (a little) more romantic. Like my old sexploit columns, but with a raunchier overlay and a fetishizing of incorrectness, leading to a Hollywood ending. I actually talked to a publisher about this, but they folded.

*A re-release of my Downtown book, with the Andy Warhol cover blurb as the main text. Seriously.

*A TV miniseries on the history of nightlife, starting in the 1920s. This could bring back the glory days of miniseries while allowing celebrities the chance to play various partygoers, promoters, and strippers. It might even make a good weekly series–and unlike other series, time would actually advance.

*Best of all, a musical about Warhol, lasting 15 glorious minutes.

Any buyers?