Richard Gere Finally Addresses Gerbil Rumor–And Changes It!

Remember the old Mother Goose tale that Richard Gere got a sexual thrill out of sticking gerbils up his ass for nightly bouts of squirming captivity? Remember when every douche nozzle in town claimed to know someone who knew someone who had a copy of the X-rays of the little critter suffocating in Gere’s rectal canal in vivid closeup? Well, Gere wisely stuck his own head up there too and played dead while the rumor blew over (and it took about 15 years, mind you), but now he’s finally found the strength to make a reference to it. According to imdb.com, Gere told an interviewer he won’t read magazines because they’re full of lies. “I stopped reading the press a long time ago,” Gere is quoted as saying. “Lots of crazy things came up about me at first, especially from the tabloids. There is an infamous ‘Gere stuck a hamster up his bum’ urban myth.”

But hold your horses! While it’s very brave of Gere (the star of Nights In Rodents, I mean Nights In Rodanthe) to make note of something that obviously proved so humiliating to him, I have to make a correction: The story was that it was a gerbil, not a hamster! And don’t say “Who cares?”–there’s a difference! I looked it up (lots of free time) and learned that not only does a gerbil not like to be alone, but it’s way more likely than a hamster “to be gassy or have diarrhea”. And I would think one’s rectal canal would be capable of it’s OWN gassiness and diarrhea. So by shifting the tale to a hamster, I feel that Gere is unfairly sugarcoating things. It was a flatulent gerbil, dammit! I’m going to go shower now.