Science Says Fast Food Makes People Crazy; Filet-O-Fish Guy Proves It

We know that fast food is bad for us. We knew that even before Morgan Spurlock gained 24.5 pounds by eating McDonald’s for 30 days straight in the name of progressive cinema. We knew that before we had legally imposed calorie counts on the burritos at Chipotle. We knew that before Bloomberg got all down on soda and salt.

What we didn’t know until now is that “bad for us” also meant “makes us mentally unstable and really quite scary,” which a series of kooks going batshit at drive-thrus and a recent study by University of Toronto professors Chen-Bo Zhong and Sanford DeVoe prove pretty much definitively. Turns out, “fast food can actually induce haste and impatience in ways that have nothing to do with eating.”

For proof in the high-triglyceride pudding, look no further than the “Filet-O-Fish guy” — now infamous at the McDonald’s in South Brunswick, New Jersey — who recently crawled out of his car and into the drive-thru window to get his Filet-O-Fish sandwich at 4:30 in the morning. Because, you know, when you need a fish sandwich at 4:30 in the morning, you need it NOW.

South Brunswick Police Detective Sergeant James Ryan told NBC New York that the customer yelled at the hapless drive-thru attendant, pushed him against the counter, slapped him, and threatened (ominously, I presume) that he’d be waiting for him after his shift. Then he grabbed his sammie and skedaddled.

Seemingly soothed by the deliciousness that is the Filet-O-Fish, the customer never came back. Which just goes to prove that fast food does indeed make people insane, but it can also cure them of a multitude of ills.