“When Was the Last Time I Made Passionate Love to my Wife?” and Other Inspirational Questions for Husbands

Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Especially for Husbands: When Was the Last Time . . .

Author: Michael A. Campion, PhD; photos by Wilmer Zehr Date: 1978 Publisher: Bethany Fellowship Press, Minneapolis Discovered at: Salvation Army, Salinas, California

Representative Quotes:

“When was the last time . . . I ate dinner with my family?” “When was the last time . . . I made passionate love to my wife?” “When was the last time . . . I remembered my wife’s birthday and anniversary?”

“Let’s be real men and take loving, positive authority over our families,” writes Michael A. Campion in his daft inspirational “self-improvement plan” Especially for Husbands, a book that assumes American men have been so blithe for so long that it would take serious contemplation for them to recall the last time they even remembered a birthday.

Campion doesn’t push the matter to, say, “purchase a gift for her birthday” or “try to mention an anniversary on the day of that anniversary.” Instead, he’s just asking simple, depressing questions, like he’s the Socrates of terrible marriages. He encourages the husbands — presumably given this book by their wives — to ask themselves, “When was the last time . . . I fixed a meal?”

And then he’s on to the next question: “When was the last time . . . I listened?”

Or: “When was the last time . . .

First, yes, that is the actual photo that accompanies this question. And, second, obviously, the last time you told your wife this was in the throes of that passionate lovemaking.

That’s about all the book has to offer. Page after page of tragic “When was the last time?” questions accompanied by photos that stand as chilling reminders of Carter-era malaise.

“When was the last time . . .

Wait, that kid has never seen that man before, has he?

“When was the last time . . .

This does imply that the moments when a husband accepts his wife are the rare exception, right?

Here’s one where the man seems truly to be seizing some of that loving authority.

“When was the last time . . .

See, I would have thought a man should share something like that when she’s in a position to talk.

Speaking of women down on their knees: “When was the last time . . .

“As the haloed authority figure in this house, I demand that you assume your shadowed and supplicant conversation pose.”

“When was the last time . . .

The best test of whether a kiss is pure or not: Just how big an appliance can you squeeze between the kissers?

“When was the last time . . .

Hey, $20 is just enough for your wife to bribe a jewelry-counter employee for a chance to touch some nice things for once.

“When was the last time . . .

Seriously, I think the author is making a joke about woman drivers. Also, he seems to believe men once possessed the unsettling ability to vomit history.

And, finally, “When was the last time . . .

Gather round, kids, and let us show you the hot and heavy beauty of marital love!

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